


The Golden Mean

by MadAnimator



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A lot of force ghosts, Bad English, Buddhism, Confused Rey, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, Gray Jedi, Hurt/Comfort, Hux is Not Nice, M/M, Multi, Obsessive Kylo Ren, Philosophy, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Possessive Kylo Ren, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, zen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-02-22 04:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13159617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAnimator/pseuds/MadAnimator
Summary: “Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralysed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds' wings.”Jalaluddin Mevlana Rumi, The Essential Rumior"I can't make a choice that's yours to make, Rey.All I can do is show you the roads and explain them to you.""But what if I choose the wrong one?""Is there really such things? Didn't I tell you that right or wrong depends on which side of the road you stand?"orAfter the events of TLJ, Rey, despite having chosen the Resistance, choose the Light, is still not sure to have found her place in the Galaxy. Her bond with Ben (or is it Kylo Ren?) is still there, haunting her, making her doubt. Feeling the confusion of the young jedi, General Organa sent her on Dagobah, hoping she finds the answers to her questions like Luke had many years ago. Rey is going to discover that the planet is not as dead as it seems and that there is neither right nor wrong way to the Force.





	1. Makyō

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makyō : in Zen, unpleasant or distracting thoughts or illusions that occur during zazen (meditation)

_« I only know one truth. It's time for the Jedi... to end. »_

 

_« Oh, such spunk ! »_

 

_« Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become what you are meant to be. »_

 

_« Pathetic child. I cannot be betrayed, I cannot be beaten. »_

 

_« I've seen this raw strength only once before. It didn't scare me enough then. It does now. »_

 

_« You come from nothing. You're nothing. »_

 

_« You’re not alone. » « Neither are you. »_

 

**Young one, those were just your first steps.**

 

* * *

 

 

Rey woke up, sweating and panting.

 

«A nightmare.That was just a nightmare. » she told herself. Again.

But nightmares don’t show you the past, don’t they? Nor the future. Oh, who was she fooling? Certainly not her, nor the others. Speaking of. She turned her head to see that her companions were still sleeping and sighed of relief. This will not be the first time she woke them up because of her night terrors and despite what they said, she could see that they started to be exhausted because of this. Because of her.

 

She left her berth, blanket around the shoulders, making her way across her asleep comrades. She didn’t liked that she was part of the few who had a bed. The Millenium Falcon was maybe an incredible light freighter but there wasn’t much bedrooms, just a couple of modified berths. Even so the Resistance was now just a handle of people. Of course, everybody agreed that Rose and General Organa must have them, despite their protests. They were still affecting by their wounds so they’ll have as much rest as they could provide. For the last ones, they played it on heads or tails. Chewie and Rey won.

 

That how they ended with the wookiee on a berth too small for him, snoring and moving in his sleep, sometimes hitting the poor soul (which was either Finn or Poe) who felt asleep beside him. The sounds of his snoring didn’t affect them much. After all, most of them have slept in worst conditions. Proof, the General and Rose were asleep and so was Finn, backed at the feet of the maintenance worker. Poe and BB-8 were missing, they must be in the cockpit. Half-smiling, Rey looked one last time at this peaceful yet rare picture before leaving the room as silently as possible.

 

She wandered in the ship like a ghost looking… Looking for what exactly? Sleep? Peace? Answers? She may have found some of them but they gave birth to new questions and she wasn’t sure to know where looking to begin with. Oh, how she wished that Master Luke was still there. At least, he gave him a light in the shadows but the more Rey ventured in it, the less the light was shining and she feared the day it will die, the day where only the shadows will prevail.

 

That day, **he** will be here. She knew it. When it happens(and it will happen.), she hoped that she will be ready.

 

She walked in the main room, right before the cockpit, and found lieutenant Connix lying asleep on one of the sofas, a datapad next to her head. Rey sighed. She had overworked herself. Again. The young jedi took her blanket off and put it on the lieutenant. Now was not the time to being sick. A series of beeps surprised her, almost making her jump.

 

« BB-8 ! R2 ! Shhhh ! » Rey shooed the droids, a finger on her mouth.

 

« Don’t wake her. She needs to sleep. » And so am I, she almost said.

 

« Everything’s ok back there ? » Great. Now it was Dameron. She saw Connix stirring, but still asleep. Not for long if Rey didn’t act. She moved to the cockpit where the pilot was doing his job with the help of C'ai Threnalli.

 

« Guys ! Will you please be quiet ? Connix is sleeping. »

 

« Yeah, sorry, but shouldn't you do the same ? » asked the Abednedo, before leaving, certainly to check on the lieutenant.

 

Rey was silent so Poe answered for her, his eyes still on the windshield.

 

« Nightmares again,huh ? » Still silent.

 

« Oh, sweetheart. » he whispered, cleary touched by Rey’s distress. Releasing the wheel, he held one of Rey’s hand that was on his chairback. The warm and calloused hand of the pilot make the young woman smile and closing her eyes, liking the way Poe was trying to comfort her.

 

« If only I was Force sensitive, maybe I’ll manage to go into this troubled mind of yours and get rid of all your bad memories and monsters. »

 

_« You are a monster ! »_

_« Yes, I am. »_

 

No ! She must close her mind ! Be silent to their bond ! At least, for now.

 

« Rey ? You’re okay, sweetheart ? »

 

_« Why is he touching you ?! »_

 

He’s just beside her. She can hear him. She can feel him.

 

« Rey, what’s happening ? »

 

_« Why is he calling you like that ?! »_

 

She must not look at him. She can’t look at him !

 

« Rey ! »

 

_« REY ! »_

 

« GO AWAY !!! »

 

When Rey reopened her eyes, there was neither Ben nor Kylo, but Poe Dameron on his knees, grimacing and trying to making her release her hold on his hand. Oh Kriff ! She hurt him!She hurt her friend !

 

« I’d be happy to if you let me, sweetheart. » he told her, cleary in pain. She, immediately, let him go.

 

« Poe ! I’m so sorry ! I didn’t mean to… Oh Kriff ! What have I done ? »

 

« What’s going on here ? » Connix, Threnalli and the droids were standing behind them. The lieutenant now fully awakes.

 

« Nothing. I just cut myself while trying to fix this old bird and Rey was helping me. » answered Dameron, smiling as if his friend did not just try to crush his hand.

 

« Really ? » asked BB-8, beeping suspiciously.

 

« Yeah, really ! Anyway she was going to get me to the infirmary, don’t you Rey ? »

 

« Er, yes ! I was going to ! Come along, Poe ! » Rey took his arm while he was holding his injured hand, passing through their comrades.

 

« Threnalli, I let you in charge of this baby while I’m being pampered. » How could he joke in a situation like this? Rey will never understand.

 

Like the rest of the Millenium Falcon, the infirmary was very stern and basic but it had just what they needed. Han Solo for all his faults was a providing man, a smuggler must be with all the risks he took. The walk to the infirmary was awkward to say the least, both refusing to speak. Once there, Rey made Poe sit while looking into the closets.

 

« There. That will do the work. » she said, holding a bandage, a pair of scissor and a bottle of disinfectant.

 

« Now. Let’s see. »

 

Poe released his damaged hand and holds it to her. It wasn’t pretty. Her nails pushed through his flesh making him bleed and leaving five little holes behind. It will leave scars. Rey was sure.

 

« Oh Poe... »

 

« Rey, it’s okay. »

 

« No, it’s not ! I hurt you ! I panicked and I hurt you ! »

 

« I had worse. »

 

« Even so ! I... »

 

« Rey ! »

 

The pilot used his uninjured hand to hold her shoulder, trying to calm her.

 

« Sweetheart. Breathe. Come on,breathe with me. Slowly. In. Out. In. Out. »

 

Following his instructions, Rey managed to avoid a new panic attack. She was silent a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. Poe didn’t push her, letting her take her time. Finally, she spoke again.

 

« Thank you, Poe. I hurt you and yet you’re the one who take care of me. »

 

« Isn’t it what’s friends are for ? » Friends, huh ? The word was still strange on her tongue. She managed all these years on Jakku alone and, now, having all those people calling her their friend… It made her feel warm and fuzzy. She began to treat Poe’s hand.

 

« So... »

 

« Hmm ? »

 

« Will you tell me about the nightmares ? And the flashbacks ? » Rey kept her mouth shut, focused on her task.

 

« Rey… You know you will have to talk about it. It’s not good for you to keep all this bottle up. »

 

« The Resistance had more important matters right now. » Poe sighed.

 

« You are important too, sweetheart. Is it because you’re afraid of what we’ll think of you ? Or that we’ll don’t understand ? »

 

« The both, I guess... » Poe felt silent, lost in thought, letting Rey doing her work.

 

« There ! All done ! » The pilot moved his hand, testing it.

 

« It will hurt the next few days, but I think you’re good. »

 

He gave her one of those big wide smile of him before taking her hand and kissing it. The hand that she hurt him with.

 

« Thank you, sweetheart. »

 

« You shouldn't be thanking me, Poe. After all, it’s my fault. » Poe patted her hand.

 

« I’m so afraid, Poe. »

 

« Of ? »

 

« Of what has been and what could have been. Of the future. I’ve got the feeling that I’m walking into fog and that, despite Master Luke lessons and my choices… That I did something wrong. »

 

« Rey... »

 

« Did I make the right choices, Poe ? Could I have do more ? Was it my fault that he, he... » The pilot said nothing. He just took the young woman in his arms, holding her lovingly. Rey was trembling, but the tears did not come. How long did they stay like this ? She didn’t know. Finally, the sound of an opening door separated them.

 

« May I ? »

 

« General Organa ! » Indeed, the former princess of Aldebaran was standing in the door opening, holding on her cane.

 

« You shouldn’t be out of bed. You still need rest. »

 

« Peace, Commander. I’m feeling well enough. »

 

« But.. »

 

« What about you ? I heard there was an… accident. » Leia eyed the injured and bandaged hand of Poe who made a quick work to hide it behind his back.

 

« Yeah, I was fixing the cockpit, and a piece of junk cut me. You know, it’s quite current. »

 

« I see. » She knew he was lying. Rey could feel it. There was something in the general that made it impossible to properly lying to her.

 

« If you feels well enough, why don’t you come back to the cockpit ? I need to talk to Rey. » He hesitated, cleary wanting to stay and defend his friend if needed.

 

« It’s okay, Poe. »

 

« Yes, ma’am. » Once he left, Rey felt the guilt coming back.

 

« General, I... »

 

« Peace, Rey. I just want to talk. » She took a seat and patted the place next to her, waiting to the young woman before starting to talk.

 

« Have you ever heard of a planet named Dagobah ? »


	2. Pabbajja

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pabbajja : literally means "to go forth" and leaving home to join a community of monks and nuns

Coronet City was quite, well, the city. Even so, it was difficult for Rey to compare it with anything she knows. Jakku didn’t have any real city more some camp where scavengers go and come, rarely staying in the same place. On Takodana, Maz’s castle wasn’t so different even through she had a glimpse of what a true city could be. But this, this…

 

This was amazing.

 

« Rey ! Stop strolling ! »

 

Her eyes were stuck on the gigantic tower, all made of steel and glass, the peak looking like it touched the clouds. She had heard of such buildings but seeing it was something else and the people in the street… This, this was a place where people worked and lived. Really lived, not just survived. The size of the city almost made her dizzy.

 

« Rey ! C’mon ! » Finn was shaking her shoulder and calling her name.

 

« Sorry Finn. »

 

« It’s the fourth time in one hour. We’re not here as tourists. »

 

His tone was harsh but his eyes were, somehow, amused by the childish wonder of his friend. He couldn't really be angry with her, she knew it.

 

« I know, I’m sorry, but it’s just this city is so beautiful and… and alive. »

 

« Yeah, I know. I can’t blame you. I want to do the same thing, just stop and visiting it. » The two friends sighed.

 

« Hey ! What the hell are you doing ? » That, that was the roar of Chewbaca.

 

« Let me guess : he wants us to hurry up. »

 

« You guessed right. Come on. »

 

The Wookiee waited them at the end of the street, making signs with his long arms. He was easy to spot in the crowd with him being, at least, two heads taller than the common of the mortals and twice more hairy. They ran to him.

 

« Sorry Chewie. »

 

« Damnit kids ! We’re not on a tourist tour ! We are on a mission ! »

 

« We know... »

 

« Then start acting like it ! »

 

Then he turned his back to them and started to walk away. The Wookiee was quite intimidating… if not for the porg on his head.Since Ahch-To, he has been traveling with a handful of these creatures despite him. It was funny to see this hairy giant being followed by these tiny and cute birds. The Resistance had no problem to tolerate them, on the contrary, they helped the crew to relax. Sure they were always these stories of food stealing, but it was minor.

 

« I hope our acquaintance is reliable. We don’t need a new DJ... »

 

Finn was still bitter of the slicer’s betrayal. She could feel it. Rose and him told them of what happened on the Supremacy and despite the man’s actions, Rey was intrigued by him and his ‘’philosophy.’’

 

 _"It's all a machine, partner. Live free, don't join._ "

 

That what he told Finn as an excuse. Never taking a side, never having to choose. Is something like this really possible? It certainly is a definition of freedom, but living like this isn’t it selfish? It means having no ties, living without friends and family, living a lonely life but also having no responsibilities. It was a luxury that few could afford. Even when she was on Jakku she wasn’t thinking like that, she just couldn’t.

 

« Well, we had history together and he made mistakes and poor choices, but in the end he had his heart in good places. Plus, he was a friend of Han. »

 

That wasn’t really comforting.

 

« What did he say ? »

 

« That it was a friend of Han Solo. »

 

There was no need for Finn to know the details, it will only stress him and he had enough on his plate already. Since they reunited she noticed that he was acting weird not toward her but Poe and Rose. He avoided them, talked to them only if necessary but, at the same time, he always made sure that they were taken care of. Of course, Rey tried to question him about his attitude, but he kept saying that it was nothing and that he just felt tired. She didn’t insist, after all, she was hardly in position to do so, refusing to talk about her own problems. In the end, Finn will talk when he feels ready to.

 

« Are you sure that he had what we need ? » Chewie groaned again, annoyed by the question.

 

« Rey, tell him that if he keeps asking me stupid questions I’ll put him in the nearest dumpster ! »

 

The porg chirped, clearly perturbed by the Wookiee angry noises. Said Wookiee tried to get him out of his head, making him jump and crying more. Finally, the bird flock directly into Rey’s open arms who started to pet him.

 

« Chewie ! Don’t be like that ! This poor thing is harmless and innocent. »

 

« I already had to deal with these pests on the Falcon. I just want to have some peace ! »

 

As offended by these words, the porg screamed in Chewbaca’s direction whom answered by a roar. Without further ado, the bird hided into Rey’s elbow.

 

« Chewie ! »

 

« Yikes ! That was rude, even from him. »

 

The Wookiee glared at Finn and a finger at him.

 

« You, shut up ! Now, follow me and I don’t want another interruption ! »

 

Once again, he turned his back on them and walked faster.

 

« Hey ! Chewie ! Wait for us ! »

 

Finn ran after him while Rey’s comforted the scared pog, walking.

 

« There, there. Poor little one. Don’t worry, Chewie doesn’t hate you, he’s just tired and bad-tempered. »

 

Chirping happily, the porg started cuddle against her chest. Smiling, she put it on her head, imitating her friend’s gesture.

 

« Hold on tight, little one. »

 

She sprinted to catch up with her friends while thinking back of the true reason oh her arrival in Coronet City.

 

* * *

 

 

_« Dagobah is a planet in the Dagobah system, in the Sluis sector of the Outer Rim Territories. Years ago, when Han, Chewie and I were captured by Darth Vader, Luke went to it on the advice of Obi Wan Kenobi that told him that he’ll find his former master on this planet and that he’ll teach him too. »_

 

_« This master, was it Yoda ? » Leia nodded._

 

_« Master Yoda, indeed. »_

 

_« Woah. »_

 

_Rey had heard of the former Jedi master, of course. He was one of the legendary figure that she grew up hearing from the mouth of some old scavenger on Jakku._

 

_« Master Luke never told me of this. » The general laughed slowly._

 

_« It doesn’t surprise me, my brother never told me much about this period. Did you knew that he stayed only three days and that he never completed his Jedi training ? » Rey’s eyes opened wide._

 

_« Really ? »_

 

_« Yes. He had heard about our capture and, despite Yoda’s protests, he came back to save us. »_

 

_She never thought that the Jedi master could have been so impulsive, it contrasted with the stern old man that she knew, but he was younger back then and his sister was in danger so Rey could understand his actions._

 

_« No offense, General, but why are you telling me this ? »_

 

_« None taken. » The former princess said nothing for a few minutes, gathering her thoughts._

 

_« Rey, my brother may have teach you some basic Jedi training but you are still rough, like a pure sharping diamond. Despite his efforts, I can see and fell that you are still lost. You finally understand the Force, but you don’t master it yet… and that could become dangerous. »_

 

_« I’ll never betray the Resistance ! I’ll never betray you ! » The young woman jumped on her feet and shouted, offended that Leia, of all people, could think something like this._

 

_« Peace, Rey. I know you’ll never do. No, what I’m talking about is that you are a young and inexperienced woman and that the Force is strong in you. It’s a raw and powerful energy that could easily destroy those who don’t control it. It happened in the past, and it could still happen. Your nightmares and visions prove it. »_

 

_« It’s nothing, General... »_

 

_« Rey, I’m not stupid, I knew what happened to Dameron, it wasn’t a cut. »_

 

_« It was an accident ! I swear ! I never meant to hurt him ! » Leia took Rey’s hand, trying to calm her._

 

_« I know, Rey. I know that you’ll never hurt him or anybody on this ship deliberately… but it’s not the first time that something like that happen and it may not be the last one. »_

 

_Rey stayed silent, holding back her tears._

 

_« Look, in a few days we’ll be in the Corellian system. Coroner City is the capital of Corellia, the major planet of the system. I managed to contact a friend of mine that could help us starting to rebuild the Resistance. He’ll provide us with what we need, resources, weapons and ships. »_

 

_« That a good news. »_

 

_« Indeed. Now, listen, I’m going to ask him a ship for you. »_

 

_« For me ? »_

 

_« With it, you’ll go to Dagobah. »_

 

_Rey knelt, holding the General’s hand with the both of hers and gave her her best puppy’s eyes._

 

_« General, please, no ! Don’t send me away ! I’ll try harder, but please don’t abandon me ! »_

 

_The old woman’s face softened as she used her other hand to stroke Rey’s cheek._

 

_« Oh, Rey ! I shouldn’t have said it like this. I forgot about your story. Please, forgive me. I didn’t mean it like this. » The Jedi closed her eyes, enjoying the maternal caress._

 

_« What I mean is that a trip on Dagobah couldn’t hurt you. The Force is strong on this planet, pure even told me Luke. » Rey reopened her eyes and looked into those of Leia._

 

_« But master Yoda is long dead. »_

 

_« I know, but what do you have to lose ? Besides, for what I heard of him, he may have hidden some things that my brother didn’t found back then. » She lowered her head._

 

_« Look, Rey. You don’t have to give me an answer now. I just want you to think about it. Okay ? »_

 

_The former princess patted her cheek one last time before raising from her seat and releasing her hand._

 

_« I’m going back to bed before Dameron come back and start acting like a nurse. »_

 

_Was the General right ? Maybe she needed to isolate herself during some time and what better place that a planet where the Force is pure ? As Leia was leaving, she heard a small voice._

 

_« I will go. I’ll go to Dagobah. »_

 

* * *

 

 

« Here we are ! »

 

Chewie had just stopped in front of what seemed to be a pub in a dodgy street. Smoke was coming out of the door, and shady people were gathered, visibly seeling illegal substances.

 

« Are you sure that is the meeting place ? » asked Finn, wary.

 

The Wookiee said nothing and walked into the pub. Both friends looked at each other, nodded and followed him. The sellers called them, proposed to them some ‘’good stuff", but they paid them no attention. The inside was no better than the outside, full of people drinking and shouting. This kind of atmosphere wasn’t new for Rey. In Jakku, there was always a tent where alcohol and drugs were sold, but she had never understood how people could exchange their precious portions for this kind of junk.

 

« Where’s Chewie ? »

 

« Isn’t it him… hugging a guy ? »

 

Indeed, he was hugging somebody, but they couldn’t really see him so they came nearer. When they separated, they had a better vision of the unknown man. He was aged, maybe in his sixties, with greyish hair and a mustache. He wore a blue vest and pants with a black cape which made him look classy. His dark eyes reflected nothing but happiness and curiosity as they turned in their direction.

 

« Chewie ? Is that your friends ? » Rey was the first to talk.

 

« Are you the acquaintance that General Organa told us about ? » He answered her with a sweet laugh and a nostalgic smile.

 

«Ah, true. It’s General, now. Well, she’ll always be a princess for me, no matter what. Yes, I am Leia’s connection, but you didn’t answer my question. »

 

« I’m Rey and this is Finn, we are from the Resistance. The General send us here, with Chewbaca, to inform you of our presence and taking you to our base. »

 

If possible, his smile widened as he took Rey’s hand and brings it to his mouth.

 

« Greetings. The name is Captain Drebble for some but for most I am Lando Calrissian. »

 

Rey and Finn gasped at the same time that Lando kissed her hand and Chewie sighed, annoyed and the porg chirped.


	3. Makyō II

Lando Calrissian was everything and nothing that Rey excepted. With all the stories she heard about him, she imagined him as daring as Han Solo. Well, he was certainly much more calm and more classy and charming, but again years have passed since the Battle of Endor and like his comrades the former general had aged although, according to Leia, he was still the smooth talker.

 

« You are as beautiful as the day I met you, princess. »

 

« Quiet, you ! » The general gave him a friendly slap on the shoulder, making him laugh.

 

« And always so feisty ! »

 

As soon as Calrissian was taken to the Millenium Falcon, he was welcomed by her, waiting for him at the bottom of the ship. It was a sentimental reunion to say the least. No tears were whipped away but it was clear that the two old friends didn’t saw each other in a long time. At least, not since Han Solo death. On their way back, Rey had asked Chewie if Calrissian knew for his friend’s death and the circumstances of it. The Wookiee simply nodded and told her not to mention it too often when the soccorian was here. Like Chewie, he must had known Ben since he was a child and it must sadden him that his friend’s son becomed a murderer and a parricide.

 

« Now, princess, I heard that you’re in desperate need of my help. »

 

Leia sighed, it was becoming more and more obvious that she was tired of the situation and the fact that she recently has a near death experience.

 

« Indeed, old friend. Come inside, we have much to discuss to. »

 

* * *

 

As the meeting started, Rey isolated herself, wanting to meditate and to think of the future events. She had quite the difficulty to stop ‘’her’’ porg to follow her.

 

« No, little one. Stay with Chewie. I’ll be back soon, okay ? »

 

The bird chirped sadly while she put it into the arms of the grumpy Wookiee.

 

« Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you, Rey ? »

 

As always, Finn played the overprotective friend. In a way, this was cute.

 

« Thank you Finn, but I can take care of myself, you know. »

 

« Yes, but... »

 

« And I can defend myself just fine. »

 

« About... »

 

« I’ll be back before the night. Don’t worry too much, okay. »

 

He grumbled.

 

« It’s hard not to worry about you. »

 

She cannot resist to hug him, trying to reassure him.

 

« I know, but I really need to be alone, to clear my mind and they need you at the meeting. As a former stormtrooper of the New Order, your opinion is important. »

 

« You’re important too. »

 

She laughed a little.

 

« Are you and Poe sharing the same brain. He told me the exact same thing. »

 

« Because it’s true ! »

 

They separated and she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

« I must go, Finn. I’ll be back soon. »

 

« Alright. And don’t get lost ! »

 

She said nothing, just smiled and waved at him as she draws away. The Falcon was parked in a forest, not far away from Coronet City. The perfect place to relax and meditate. Rey was not displeased that the Resistance finally found a place to land and stay for, at least for some time. Growing up as a lonely scavenger, she didn’t have the habit to live in community and while it certainly had it perks, she still felt overwhelmed sometimes. She needed her privacy, her alone time with only herself… even so she was scared. Scared of what could happen once she had emptied her mind and that only the Force will prevail. And **him**.

 

No. She must not think like that. She can’t let fear make way through her mind. What was Master Luke told her ?

 

_« Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. »_

 

She will not be seduced by the Dark Side. She can’t allow this. She is from the Light, and she will stand by the Light, no matter what. No matter who.

 

While she was lost in her thoughts, she didn’t noticed that she had just reach to a clearing. The place was full of greenish grass and flowers of different colors. There was some butterflies and other bugs that flew and bounced around.

 

« Perfect. »

 

Rey flattened some grass with her hands and sat on it. She started relaxing, breathing slowly, letting the Force overwhelming her. In. Out. In. Out. Let it go...

 

* * *

 

_« Ben, why are you doing this ?! »_

 

_When Rey reopened her eyes, she was no longer on Corellia. She was standing in a field on fire. Everything was burning. The cabins, the temple, the people. Everything and everyone. Dead bodies surrounded her. She could heard screams of terror and pain. She knew where she was. She saw it before. The Jedi temple massacre. The place and the moment Master Luke lost hope. The birth of Kylo Ren. The scene scared her and saddened her as much as before, maybe even more now that she knew what really happened that fateful night._

 

_« Ben ! Please ! Stop ! »_

 

_The same voice again. Rey turned in the owner’s direction. She could see the shapes of two people fighting, their lightsabers clashing violently against each other. Blue against green. The flames and the lights of their weapon illuminated their faces. A tall male teenager, pale skinned , with semi-long black hair. Ben._

 

_The other fighter was a young woman, in her twenties, at least one head shorter than her opponent . She had long raven hair tied in a ponytail. Her skin was brown and blood stained her face._

 

_They were standing in the middle of the massacre, dueling among the bodies, completely unaware of what’s happened around them, focused on their fight._

 

_Ben’s style was purely offensive, not much different from today, attacking again and again, over and over, never letting time for his opponent to riposte. Full or rage. Full of hate. This was not Ben Solo fighting, this was a beast, feral, brutal and bloodthirsty. There were nothing human in him anymore._

 

_The woman was just blocking the blows, but without real conviction in it. She just defended herself; she wasn't trying to attack. It’s as if she was waiting for Ben to attack so that she could counter him. Nothing else. Finally, Rey noticed that she seemed to have some difficulty to stand on her two feet. She’s putting all her weight on her left leg. The tissue of her pants was torn apart on her right knee; there was an open wound near it. Her face reflected pain, but she endured it, gritting her teeth._

 

_« Ben ! I beg you ! Stop this madness ! »_

 

_There was despair and sorrow in her voice. She reached for Ben, but he did not wanted to accept her offer. He swinged his lightsaber around (the Skywalker’s saber) and hit the other one with a particular violent blow. This time his opponent had time to riposte with the same force. With a thundering roar, the two weapons banged together, sparking and creating a big white flash. They were blocked again each other, struggling, both pushing, trying to gain the upper hand. Rey had a sensation of déjà vu._

 

_« You are the one who started this madness ! You ! Luke ! And all the others !» spit Ben, voice full of venom._

 

_« Ben, I swear, I did not know that Master Luke was planning to do this ! »_

 

_« Liar ! »_

 

_Her face reflected sadness and pain of hearing theses words._

 

_« No, Benny. I would not lie to you. Never to you. »_

 

_This sentence seemed to reach Ben. His face softened, and his eyes losed the spark of hate and madness to move on to doubt. For only a second, Rey could see what he was before Snoke put his hands on him and corrupt him completely. A sad and lost boy. Alas, as quick as they came up, these feelings disappeared._

 

_« No, it can’t be ! He told me that you and the others were planning to kill me ! »_

 

_« Ben... »_

 

_Focused on his hate and the woman’s words, Ben didn’t saw one of her hand leaving her lightsaber’s pommel. With a quick move, using the Force, she pushed him away, making him releasing his weapon and flying away a few meters away. She looked at her saber while he struggled to raise up, probably hurt by the powerful push. She reckoned the possibility of killing him, Rey could fell it. Her anger, her sadness, her disappointment. She could fell the Dark side calling her, tempting her. She wanted to shout at her not do it, that Ben was still redeemable, but she stayed silent. She knew how it turned on in the end._

 

_The woman lifted her eyes and gazed at Ben who coughed blood. Shame and sadness appeared on her face and she lowered her weapon before, finally, turning it off and sheathing it. She moved closer to him, slowly limping. She stopped just in front of him, looking at him with a neutral expression._

 

_« What are you waiting for ? Finish what you started ! » Ben screamed, looking daggers at her._

 

_« You are right. »_

 

_She offered her hand to him. Ben seemed surprised, visibly not waiting for this._

 

_« It’s not too late, there is still hope for you. I can feel the Light in you, reaching for you, calling you. »_

 

_He said nothing, still stunned by her offer._

 

_« Come, brother. »_

 

_This name seemed to trigger him._

 

_« I. Am. Not. Your. »_

 

_Ben lifted his hand, palm open, calling to his lightsaber. The weapon’s returned into his owner’s hand and before his opponent could use her own, he lighted it on and was on his feet._

 

_« BROTHER !!! »_

 

_Rey closed her eyes. She didn't wanted to see it. There was a sound of a strike and a scream of pain. Then, silence and the noises of things burning._

 

_When she reopened them, she could see the woman’s inert body; there was blood around her head. Ben stand above her, sweating and panting loudly. He gazed at her; eyes wide open, trembling. His knees seemed ready to give up. He turned his saber off. Around him the buildings keep burning and falling off, soon there will be nothing left but cinder. He made a chocked sob; he seemed ready to burst in tear at any moment, seeming to realize what he just had done._

 

_Suddenly, a taller and darker figure appeared next to him. They shared the same face, except that the new-comer had a scar on it and that he gazed at the body with an emotionless look. He raised his eyes, and they met those of Rey._

 

* * *

 

The vision’s ended, but Ben was still here, sitting right in front of Rey. During a moment, they said nothing, just staring at each other. Finally, tired of this silent, she talked first.

 

« You killed her. » It wasn’t a question, just an affirmation.

 

 _« I did. »_ There was no emotion in his voice.

 

Another minute of silence.

 

« Why ? »

 

_« You know why. »_

 

« She wasn’t a menace. She offered you her help. »

 

 _« She offered me the Light. »_ The same emotionless tone.

 

« She offered you a hand when she had the right to kill you. She showed you mercy. » Rey’s tone became harsher.

 

_« She was weak to do so and it costed her her life. »_

 

Rey started to find his lack of emotion annoying.

 

« She cared about you and loved you enough to call you her brother. »

 

This time Ben reacted, visibly not liking to be reminded of the place that he had into this woman’s heart. He frowned, and his eyes shined with anger.

 

 _« She was no true sister of mine ! Just a fool thinking that everything could be solved with faith and peace ! »_ He almost shouted, his tone full of venom, the same one as he struck the woman down. He stands up, turning his back to her, but Rey had not finished with him yet.

 

« Is it how you always respond to the people who are offering you a hand. You attack them ? Kill them ? » She asked, calm.

 

Ben said nothing.

 

« Her name. »

 

 _« What ? »_ He turned back, unsettled by the question.

 

« What was her name ? »

 

He laughed bitterly.

 

_« Why do you want to know ? You didn’t even knew her ! »_

 

« I want to know if you cared enough of her to remember her name. »

 

The sentence surprised him; Rey seems to have tugged at his heartstrings. There’s another minute of silence before he started to open his mouth, almost answering her, but he shut it. His face turned back emotionless and his tone too.

 

_« I don’t remember. It was in the past. It doesn’t matter. »_

 

Rey can feel that he’s lying, that he still remembered the name of the woman who cared enough for him to call him ‘’brother’’ and who’s death almost made him cry.

 

« You’re not as good as a liar as you think you are, Ben. » At least, not with her.

 

He said nothing and disappeared. Conversation closed.

 

Rey sighed and massaged her tempes, laying in the grass, trying to come to terms with what she just saw and learned. Yes, Dagobah will do her some good.


	4. Pabbajja II

Announcing her future trip to Dagobah to her friends didn’t go as smoothly as Rey hoped. Well, for one in particular.

 

« We just get reunited, found a safe place for resting and you’re already leaving ?! »

 

She almost sighed. Sure, she was grateful that General Organa let her do the announce herself, but she didn’t excepted that she’ll meet such resistance… No puns intentional.

 

« Finn, I already explained it : I need to go to Dagobah to fulfill my training. »

 

« With who ? Trees ? »

 

She turned to Poe, hoping to found support in him, but…

 

« I’m with Finn on this one. No one set a foot on this planet since Skywalker and I doubt you’ll find anything but creatures who will be happy to have you as their lunch. » The pilot said, wisely. BB-8 beeped, agreeing with him.

 

Rey groaned. She loved her friends; she really did, but it was hard to have a conversation with them that was Force centred. They were open and understanding, sure, but there was a limit to their comprehension. They understand the nightmares and the flashbacks, that was something that they experimented regularly themselves, but she doubted that they were as strong as hers. Did they really have these almost constant haunting pictures and screams of a past she did not live or from a future she didn’t always understand ? She doubted it, but she knew that they were doing their best and, in the end, it was all that mattered.

 

« I’m not sure we have a said in this. »

 

All eyes turned to Rose. The maintenance worker didn’t say much during the conversation, only sitting and observing.

 

« I mean, in the end; Rey will be the one to decide. It’s her choice, after all. »

 

A beat of silence.

 

« What? But, Rose ! »

 

« Finn, if this trip could help her to deal with he Force and finally be at peace, why not ? Beside, do you really think that General Organa will send her on a place she’s not sure of ? »

 

Rey was surprised by the maintenance worker’s support. She didn’t know much about her, but the few time they talked she could feel a connection with her and could, easily, think that the both of them could become good friends.

 

« But ! Poe, said something ! »

 

The pilot smiled, putting his hands up.

 

« Sorry, buddy. She played the ‘’General’’ card. Nothing else to say. »

  
Once again, BB-8 beeped in agreement with him, but added that Rey was too stubborn to listen to them anyway.

 

« Really, guys ? » Grumbled Finn.

 

Rey smiled and came closer to him, putting her hand on his shoulder.

 

« Finn, I’m touched that you care about me enough to worry, I really am, but you shouldn’t put that much of energy in it. Save it for important matter. »

 

« You are important ! »

 

This time, both Finn and Poe shouted it. They looked at each other, amazed by their synchronisation. Rose laughed a little while Rey rolled her eyes.

 

« I know. You, both, spending your time telling me this. What I mean is : don’t wreck your health on things that can’t be changed. »

 

« She’s right, Finn. It’s normal to worry about your friend well being, but there’s a fine line between caring and overprotective. » Added Rose, joining Rey and putting her hand on the former stormtrooper free shoulder.

 

« Yeah, I guess you’re right. » Sighed Finn, accepting his defeat.

 

« C’mon, buddy ! Don’t be like that ! » Shouted happily Poe, slapping his comrade's back, making the women releasing their hold and almost making him fall.

 

« Ouch ! That hurt, you idiot ! »

 

« Really ? What about this ?! »

 

The pilot putted his friend in a chokehold and started to rub his hair.

 

« Poe ! No, stop ! Ouch ! »

 

BB-8 was rolling around them, sometimes charging into Finn. Rey and Rose laughed open-hearted at this silly scene. It had been a long time since the Jedi laughed like that, almost crying and feeling dizzy. That feels good…

 

« When are you leaving ? » Asked Rose, once she was calm.

 

The boys seemed to have heard the question since Poe released his ‘’prisonner’’ whom still complained.

 

« Well, since Calrissian managed to supply the Resistance with enough spaceships, General Organa and I agreed that I'm leaving in two days. »

 

_« Leaving where ? »_

 

Rey nearly shouted. She may be used to Ben’s apparition, but it always managed to surprise her, especially when it was in public.

 

« Rey, are you okay ? You seem like you just saw a ghost. » Asked Poe, putting his hand on her arm.

 

_« He’s touching you again. »_

 

« Yeah, yeah, it’s just… My head is spinning. I just need to rest. » She said, trying to reassure her friends.

 

« That not good. Let me take you to the med-bay. » Offered Finn.

 

_« That traitor is still alive. »_

 

« Thank you, Finn. It’s nice, but I just need to sleep and I’ll be fine. »

 

Her three friends looked at each other, obviously not convinced by her words.

 

« See, Rey. That the kind of things that make me anxious to let you go alone on Da... »

 

« ACHOO ! »

 

Her forced sneeze startled them, except Ben who snorted in front of this pathetic attempt to prevent him to learn about her destination.

 

_« Bless you. »_ He said, mockingly.

 

« Um,sorry, guys. I'm going to rest. See you soon. Bye ! »

 

Rey left before they could stop her. She paced fast into the corridors of the Falcon, but she could hear a second pair of feet, walking just behind her. It’s only when she was into the collective chamber (Thank the Maker, there was nobody.) that she allowed herself to sit and relaxing a little. Well, as much relaxing as Ben’s presence could afford.

 

_« So, you’re leaving ? »_ He asked, neutral.

 

« None of your concern. » She answered, tired.

 

_« On the contrary, Rey, you are my main concern. »_

 

The Jedi almost take it as a compliment and coming from Ben, it certainly was one, but right now she wasn’t in the mood for flattery.

 

« How long are we going to keep dancing around each other like this ? »

 

_« As long as it needs to convince you. »_

 

She sighed and let herself fall into her bunk, putting her forearm on her eyes. There was a welcoming silence and, for a moment, she thought that he had left. Until she felt a presence next to her. When she reopened her eyes, she saw Ben sitting next to her, staring at her, boasting a neutral face, but contracting with his big back pleading eyes.

 

_« Where are you going? »_ He whispered.

 

« I can’t tell you. » She whispered back.

 

He said nothing, just lifted his gloved hand and, slowly, like one approach a wild animal, he moved it until it was milliliters away of her cheek.

 

_« Please ? »_ He pleaded again.

 

For only a second, Rey considered telling him, asking him to join her on Dagobah so that that could be together and find a way to help him out of the Dark side. Yes, they could be that, together, just him and her… But that not how it should be. Closing her eyes, she gathered her thoughts and her strength.

 

« Ben. I can’t. » She answered, having a lump in her throat.

 

Ben’s face closed, disappointed, as his hand left her face.

 

_« I see... »_

 

Without further ado, he stands up. Without she could explain it, this action made Rey angry.

 

« Stop acting like you are the good guy and I’m the bad one. You know why I can’t tell you why and where I’m leaving. » She shouted as she sat up.

 

Before she could act, Ben was standing just before her, leaning so that his arms imprison her and his face in front of hers.

 

_« Why ? Because you are afraid that I come to find you ? That I convince you to, finally, join me ? »_ He asked, angry and frantic.

 

« That not... »

 

_« Or are you leaving because you finally realized that you place is not among these vermins ? »_

 

« Stop that. »

 

_« Oh did I touch a nerve ? »_ He asked, a cruel smile on his face.

 

« You’re going to play dirty, aren’t you ? »

 

The young woman felt her own anger rising, boiling, there as much patience that she could have, especially with Ben. She knew it was no use to try to talk him down when he was in that state. It was either attack or flight. Rey never was a coward. She leaned into his space, making their nose brush against each other. She could almost feel his hot breath on her lips which he glared at intensely.

 

« Two can play this game... » She whispered, in which she hoped, was a seductive tone.

 

She lifted her hand; palm open, and, slowly, put it on his stomach. She watched his reaction : his pupils were open and his breath, slightly, increased. Then, she started caressing him tenderly, moving back up until she stopped on his chest, right on his heart. The moment she touched it, she felt all Ben’s tension evaporate as he leaned down more, nestling his head on her shoulder. Her free arm embraced his large figure, massaging the top of his back. He returned the embrace, his arms surrounding her. Despite the lack of skin touching, this posture felt intimate and relaxing, both of them allowing themselves to drop their guard. Rey closed her eyes, focussing on his heart rhythm.

 

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

 

Then it stopped.

 

Reopening her eyes, she saw that Ben has disappeared. No more bonding moment for today according to the Force.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey hated goodbyes. It reminded her this tragic day when her parents left her on Jakku, selling her to Unkar Plutt. Today, the circumstances were different but she still hated it. Mostly because a Wookiee suffocated her into a bone crushing hug.

 

« Chewie… Can’t breath... »

 

Reculantly, he released her, allowing her to breath again. The porg on his head, (‘’her porg’’ she surprised herself calling it) chirped, troubled by all this buzzing. Rey opened her hands and it jumped on it. She get it closer to her face and, immediatly, started cuddling.

 

« Now, you are going to be a good boy and be nice to uncle Chewie, alright ? »

 

The bird answered with a happy chirp. She smiled and kissed its head before giving it back to Chewbaca, whom mumbled about not being responsible of it, but still kept it close to his chest. Rey moved next to Rose, whom was still standing on crutches, not totally healed yet.

 

« When I’ll be back, I hope we’ll get to spend more time together and learnt to know each other more. » She confessed which the maintenance worker answered by holding her hand to her, she immediatly grasped it.

 

« I hope so. I don’t think I can handle those two alone forever. »

 

« HEY ! » Poe and Finn shouted at the same time (again).

 

Rey laughed and squeezed Rose’s hand.

 

« Don’t worry, I’m not cruel enough to condamn you to such a fate. »

 

She joked before releasing her hand. Next to her, was Poe smiling, as usual.

 

« So, you’re leaving us, sweetheart ? No regret ? No second thoughts ?»

 

Rey sighed.

 

« Until the very end you’re going to try to convince me, aren’t you ? »

 

He laughed heartwarmingly before taking her in his arms.

 

« Take care of yourself and don’t forget to give us news. »

 

« Not a chance I forget. »

 

They separated and Poe looked into her ship’s direction, envious.

 

« You know, I almost jealous. You get to fly a X-Wing. »

 

« Didn’t Vice-General Calrissian promised you one soon ? »

 

« Not soon enough. » Mumbled the pilot.

 

« Alright. My turn with Rey. » Beeped BB-8. Rey kneeled and patted him on the head.

 

« I didn’t forget you, BB. Do me a favor and watch over these two with Rose. She’s gonna need help. »

 

« I’ll try, but I can’t promise you anything, especially with Finn. »

 

Rey smirked, knowing that was the best she could have of the droid. She leaned and kissed it on its head, making him beeping furiously, flustered.

 

« Hey ! How come he gets a kiss and I don’t ? » complained Poe.

 

« You’ll get one when I’ll return. » She joked, raising up and turning to Finn.

 

« Finn... »

 

« There is really nothing I can say to make you stay, huh ? »

 

« I made my decision. » She said, determined.

 

« In that case, all I can do is supporting you. »

 

He wide opened his arms, welcoming her into his warm embrace.

 

« Don’t be reckless and come back safe, ok ? » He whispered.

 

« I will. » She whispered back.

 

He squeezed her one last time before releasing her. General Organa was the one last left. The two women stared at each other a moment. The former princess was the first to talk.

 

« I know that a lot of things happened into a few time, that there is many others that you don’t understand yet, and there nothing much that I could do about it, but trust me I wish I could. »

 

« General... »

 

« Let me finish. Thirty years ago, my brother, Luke went to Dagobah to train under Jedi Master Yoda, determined to fight and defeat Darth Vader soon after he confronted him and learned his origins. He wasn’t the same after this. What I mean to say, Rey, is that even the best training of the Galaxy cannot prepare you to some events. It can help, sure, but don’t rest upon it. In the end the best master is the Force, always pushing us to do our best, to push our limits.

 

You are still young yet you suffered so much into your short life. Don’t let the Dark side use your pain and sadness to corrupt you. Don’t repress those emotions, but don’t let them control you. You are way stronger than you think you are, I know, I can feel it. »

 

When the General finished, Rey was almost crying. The older woman opened her arms and gave her a maternal hug.

 

« I hope you find the answers you seek for on Dagobah, I really hope so. »

 

Reluctantly, they separated. Leia patted her cheek one last time.

 

« Are you saying it or do I ? » She asked.

 

What is she talking about ? Oh. Oooh. This !

 

« Well, you are the General so... »

 

The former princess smiled kindly.

 

« May the Force be with you. Always. »


	5. Kenshō

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenshō : an initial insight or awakening, is to be followed by further training to deepen this insight, and learn to express it in daily life.

Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, Master of the Knights of Ren, Jedi Killer and Kinslayer, was a force to be reckoned and, currently, the most feared and powerful man of the Galaxy.

 

After the news of Snoke’s death, things started to become erratic and some members of the First Order imagined themselves as the new Supreme Leader. A civil war risking beginning at any moment, breaking the balance that Snoke’s made years to do after the Empire’s fall. That was then that Kylo came into play.

 

Of course, to the Knights of Ren, it was obvious that the only one worth to rule the Galaxy and took the Supreme Leader’s throne was their master. For the Army, it was a little more difficult, but like General Hux, threats and force choke worked marvellously. After all, those were soldiers, and soldiers understood only two things : authority and strength. When you had one, the second followed quickly.

 

It was in politics that things really started to get difficult, to a point where Kylo almost wished, that he was a gifted politician like his mother or his grandmother. Almost. He hated this business and, happily, letting Snoke deal with it, but now that his former master was dead it was his turn. Since he was a child, he hated to sit and listen to people complain and talk about boring stuff. He still had the vivid memories of afternoon meetings where his mother used to drag him, half-sleeping on his chair. She used to scold him for not paying attention, telling him that this was of important matter and may be useful in the future. Maybe, he should have listened, so he could have avoided the current massacre that was happening into the First Order ranks.

 

Was there another way ? As soon as Snoke’s death was announced all those vultures and opportunists raised to claim a part of his still warm body. The majority of the powerful families knelt down without a fuss, but there were some who wasn’t satisfied enough that the vile man was dead, they also wanted the throne. A throne that Kylo sacrificed everything for : friends, family and love. After all he had done, he wasn’t going to let weaklings and imperialists wannabe stole what was rightfully his.

 

And so the bloodbath began.

 

Stormtroopers were sent to people’s home to arrest them and if there was resistance, suspects were eliminated immediately otherwise they were captured and sent to a military camp for political prisoners. In these camps, they were ‘’reformed’’, so their opinions and their interest were on the same note that the First Order. Kylo Ren didn’t create those camps; those were Snoke’s, he just kept them running.

 

General Hux dealt with the public image, making sure that those arrestations and disappearances were explained to the population, that they didn’t have to be afraid as long as they respected the First Order rules and stayed on the line. Once again, Snoke’s idea.

 

In the end, Kylo Ren didn’t change the Order much. The only difference was that the Knights of Ren was more military present, but except that everything was the same. The First Order may have changed its face, but the body was still the same.

 

Was it why he was actually pacing back and forth in his room like a lion in a cage ? Or was it something else ? What keeps him awake at this late hour ? His conscience ? No, it has died the same day that Kylo Ren was born, but if that so, why did he keeps dreaming of this night ? Why those memories came back to haunt him ? For 15 years, his mind blocked those images, shutting them away in his mind depths. He tried to forgot about it, and during all this time he managed to… until Ben Solo’s death. Until his ‘’fight’’ against Luke Skywalker. Until Rey.

 

Faces and names that he had long forgotten, or at least he thought, coming back to haunt him, making him relive his disgusting acts. Again and again and again…

 

_« What was her name ? »_

 

**_« Come now, Ben. Pay them no mind. Focus on your training. »_ **

 

_« I don’t remember. »_

 

**_« It’s normal to be sad, Ben. You’re missing your parents. It’s okay. »_ **

 

_« It was in the past. »_

 

**_« Benny, are you sulking ? Is it because Luke scolded you ? »_ **

 

_« It doesn’t matter. »_

 

**_« You are my brother, Ben. We may not share the same name nor the same blood, but I love you all the same. »_ **

 

« It doesn’t matter… Not anymore... »

 

He whispered, but into this gigantic and quiet bedroom, it sounded like a scream. A whispered and desperate scream. A sad call for help from a lonely little boy who lost himself into violence and madness.

 

Suddenly, a real scream left his rage deformed mouth. Kylo stopped pacing and put his hand on his ears, to protect him from voices that only him could heard.

 

« Shut up ! Shut up ! You are dead ! You heard me ?! Dead ! I killed you ! I killed you ! You meet death by my hands ! By my hands ! »

 

_**« Don’t let hate corrupt you, Ben. You’ll meet nothing but sadness and destruction on this path ! »** _

 

« SHUT UP !!!! »

 

Kylo called his lightsaber to him and light it on. He started to swing it in every direction, destroying everything that it touched. Just like him.

 

« YOU ARE DEAD !!! ALL OF YOU !!!! DEAD !!! DEAD !!! DEAAAAAAAAD !!!! »

 

The furnitures meet their end, slashed in multiple pieces. In this instant, Kylo was nothing but rage and sorrow, letting his emotions taking control of him and manifesting the only way he knew: violence.

 

Finally, when there was nothing destructible left, he stopped. Panting and sweating, madness glowing in his dark eyes, Kylo seemed lost. Until he gazed at a shapeless silhouette who stood right in front of him.

 

Blue eyes. Brown eyes. Green eyes. Tall figures. Small figures. Old faces. Young faces. Smiles. Frowns. Blond hair. Black hair. Short hair. Long hair. All the faces who haunted him simultaneously morphing together, becoming one and only entity. All his guilt in one figure.

 

« By my hand... »

 

The sound of his lightsaber falling was deafening.

 

* * *

 

  
The travel to Dagobah was, surprisingly, an easy one. Thanks to the map and instructions that R2-D2 gave to Rey, finding the fastest and safest way to go to the planet was a piece of cake. Said travel took her a few days because of the droid. In fact, it was the smoothest one that she ever knew since she gets to look for Master Luke with Chewbaca. It was almost perfect, almost…

 

« Chirp ! »

 

The sound almost made Rey lose control of her X-Wing, it was a good thing that she wasn’t near another ship or an asteroid. She put the ship on autopilot and started to rummage through her bag until…

 

« You ! What the Kriff are you doing here ? »

 

Indeed, ‘’her’’ porg managed to escape Chewie surveillance and hiding itself into her stuff along the ancient Jedi books and her food stocks. It was watching her with big black pleading eyes, chirping softly as if it was apologizing. It must had fallen asleep because she hasn't heard it until now.

 

« How ? Why ? … Nevermind. It’s too late to turn around. It’s looks like I’ll have to deal with you. »

 

The bird answered with a happy chirp and trying to snuggle into her chest, beating his wings. Rey groaned and grabbed it by its neck, holding it to her eyes level.

 

« Listen, when we are on Dagobah, you stick with me, no venturing alone, and you do exactly what I told you to do. Do we have a deal ? »

 

« Chiiirp ! » Answered the prog, thrilled.

 

« I’ll take that as a yes. »

 

She put the bird on her knees, whom immediately started to nesting on it, chirping happily. Quickly, it gets back to sleep. She took a moment to gaze upon it, smiling. Maybe having some company on Dagobah will be good.

 

Rey took the wheel back and gets back to her travel.

 

* * *

 

Back to Coronet City, the Resistance was, slowly, but surely starting to rebuild and Lando Calrissian (or Vice-General Calrissian as Leia named him.) was mainly responsible for. It seems like that after giving up his place as Baron Administrator of the Cloud City some years ago, he worked to the Resistance in the shadows, but not so much after the Jedi Temple massacre and Han Solo departure. At least, his old friend death managed to get him back directly into the war.

 

« So, if everything goes smoothly, my acquaintance can get us a flagship in a month time. »

 

Captain Poe Dameron was looking at the old man as if a parent promised his child his favorite candy which made Lando smile softly. It was no secret that the captain admired him, always following him and questioning him about how he could made himself useful. The soccorian found this attitude funny and adorable.

 

« No way... »

 

The same could be said to the former stormtrooper who was frequently hanging with Dameron. The Vice-General was fascinated by Finn, in all his life and travels, he never met a stormtrooper whom abandoned, willingly, the First Order. It was the proof that the enemy’s system had flaws, flaws that could be made use of.

 

« Are you done playing with my soldiers, Vice-General ? »

 

The General sarcastic tone made Lando’s smile widder while the two soldiers get back at attention.

 

« General ! »

 

« At ease, soldiers. I came to talk with the Vice-General. You may leave. »

 

They left without further ado, making the old man laugh while Leia sighed.

 

« Always the show-off, I see. »

 

« Come now, princess. These kids are all wound up, they need to relax a little and so do you. »

 

« I appreciate your benevolence, Lando, but relaxing is something I can’t afford right now. »

 

He sighed, accepting his defeat, but still saddened to see his old friend in so much bad shapes. The last time they meet in person was when Ben was still at the Jedi Academy and back then, he could see how Leia was pushing herself to the point of exhaustion, focusing on bringing back the Republic while Han was, slowly, separating himself from the Resistance and her. Somehow, Lando asked himself if these behaviors weren’t part responsible of the kid’s bad turn.

 

« Well, what do you want ? »

 

« It seems like Maz wants to talk to us. »

 

« Maz ? Maz Kanata ? »

 

« Who else ? »

 

« Well, if there’s one thing I learn of her is that she hates waiting. Come on. »

 

The two officers got back to the Millennium Falcon’s main room where the pirate’s queen hologram was waiting for them.

 

« So my informers were right, Lando Calrissian is back in the Resistance. »

 

« You know me, Maz, I can stay out of trouble for so long. » He answered, cheeky.

 

« What are the news, Maz ? » Asked the General, always serious.

 

« Well, the New Order is focusing on intern struggle following Snoke’s death and don’t really seems to pay attention to the Resistance unless they think you dead, but I doubt it. »

 

« A classic tale. Cut one head of the Hydra, two more grow and try to eat each other. Since we are still weak, I suggest to watch and wait for their next move. The longer they are focused on fighting against each other, the longer it gave us to rearm ourselves. » Proposed the Vice-General.

 

« I agree. It’s the smartest and wisest thing to do. We’ll need to talk about it with the other members. Thank you, Maz. Keep doing the good job. » Agreed Leia.

 

« You are welcome, General. Before I go, I wish to talk to the young Rey. »

 

« Rey ? It’s going to be complicated. » Answered the General.

 

« Why ? »

 

« I sent her to Dagobah. »

 

« You sent her where ?! » Shouted Maz, startling them.

 

« Kriff ! Calm down, Maz. The kid can take care of herself, she’s a Jedi besides there no one on this planet, except the animals living there » Lando tried to appease her.

 

« You insufferable idiot ! There is someone on Dagobah ! »

 

Leia frowned, Maz words perplexed her. She moved closer, holding more and more on her cane, trembling.

 

« What do you mean by ‘’someone’’ ? Is there some First Order base on this planet ? »

 

The pirate queen pushed her glasses away and frowned, gazing at the General for a moment.

 

« You really don’t know... »

 

« I swear, Maz, if I knew that there any danger I wouldn’t have sent Rey on Dagobah. What is it ? » She insisted, seeking answers about this possible threat. Lando imitated her and came closer, worried too.

 

« It seems like Luke could hide things from his own kin... » Whispered Maz.

 

* * *

 

Landing on Dagobah was no easy task, the planet was a gigantic swamp and if not for R2-D2 informations, Rey will never have found the landing spot that Master Luke used 30 years ago. The droid did his best to indicate her and describe her where Master Yoda used to live on the planet even so it was the most difficult landing that she ever had to do. The simple fact that the her, the porg and the X-Wing were all in one piece was a true miracle.

 

The place was spooky and gloomy at the first glance. There was a constant mist and a rotten and putrefactive smell that hit the nose that almost made Rey puke when she took her first breath when leaving her ship. She could see bones embroiled into the sticky and thick green water. Dagobah smelled and looked more like Death than the Force.

 

« Where in Kriff name did I fall ? » Asked herself Rey, whispering.

 

‘’Her’’ porg answering her with a worried chirp, hided inside her bag. She petting it, trying to comfort it.

 

« There, there. You don’t have to be afraid. I’m right here. »

 

As soon as the words left her lips, a rumbling sound resonated behind her. She just had time to grasp her blaster that a gigantic and terrifying creature emerged from the bog. It was a sort of giant green snake with red gleaming eyes and a mouth full a shiny and pointy tooth. The kind of monsters who’s living into your worst nightmares, except that wasn’t a nightmare and if Rey didn’t act she and ‘’her’’porg were going to end as his lunch.

 

She shooted it but the creature was faster and the blast managed to just brush its neck. Focusing on the head, the young woman didn’t see its tail which was still hiding into the bog. The monster used his member to strike her and made her fly a few meters. Rey landed brutally into a rotten tree which broke under the shock. Breathless and coughing, she tried to pick herself up, but the pain and the sticky water made it difficult to her. A shrieking chirp resonated inside the swamp. ‘’Her’’porg has been launched out of her bag because of the impact and was now running for its like, the snake on his heels.

 

« No ! Leave him alone ! » She shouted, her motivation doubling.

 

Unfortunately, the bird found himself getting bogged down, clearly not made to live into this kind of habitat. Struggling to free himself, his cries for help get stronger. He was calling Rey, he was calling her to save him. The snake had slow down, knowing that his prey was stuck. Slowly, it came closer to the helpless porg, like it was enjoying his fear.

 

« NO ! »

 

The monster mouth was wide open, ready to strike, ready to eat. Finally, Rey managed to free herself, but she was too far away and so was her blaster. Despite it, she ran, determined to save her little friend, but as she held back her weapon…

 

The snake stopped. Petrified, like a statue. Only then Rey noticed the shadowing figure. A hooded person was standing a few feet away from the monster. She could have sworn that could see fear, pure terror on its face.

 

« I don’t mind hunting between animals. They must feed, and they only take what they need, but this. »

 

The hooded figure talked slowly and calmy, but still with a firm tone, like a parent use to scold his child. The snake shuddered.

 

« This is free cruelty. This creature is clearly not made to live in a swamp and had no chance against a you. This is not fair and, above all, not natural. »

 

The person gets one step closer to the snake.

 

« Go. »

 

It was just a whisper, but it was enough to make the snake flee at an incredible speed. Rey was dumbstruck, asking herself what she did just saw. Looking at the spot where the creature plunged back into the greenish water. A series of chirps bring her back to the present. The figure kneeled next to her porg and helped him to free himself.

 

« Hey ! »

 

The young woman raised her blaster, aiming at the stranger whom didn’t seemed to mind.

 

« Release him ! Now ! »

 

The threat didn’t seem to work on them. Well, this person could scare a giant snake away with just their words how come a single woman could disturb them ? Still, Rey insisted.

 

« I said release him ! »

 

Released indeed, the porg was free from his prison and the person was petting him gently.

 

« Why the gun ? Did I look like a threat to you ? »

 

Rey was tempted to answer yes, but they beat her to the bush.

 

« You come and walk uninvited in my home, and yet you don’t see me menacing you, even so I am in my right to do it. »

 

The person talked so smoothly and calmly that Rey felt ashamed by her actions. It’s true, they lived here and they helped her yet she thanked them with a gun. She lowered her weapon.

 

« There. Now we can talk like the civilized persons that we are. »

 

The figure raised, holding gently the porg who seemed to like the petting. They hold him out to her, inviting her to come closer.

 

« Come. »

 

Rey was still suspicious, but she got closer, carefully, trying not to get herself stuck into the bog again. When she was close enough, they put the bird down whom ran to her. She took him into her arms, hugging him tightly, comforting herself with his presence. He was still alive.

 

« Thank you. » She whispered to the hooded figure.

 

« You are welcome. »

 

They tuned back and started to walk away.

 

« Wait ! Aren’t you going to ask me what I am doing here ? I mean, you seem to live here and Dagobah is supposed to be an uninhabited planet. »

 

They stopped.

 

« Who are you ? Master Yoda ? »

 

Now, that was a stupid question.

 

The figure turned back to her and removed their hood. The first thing that stuck Rey was the pinkish scar that crossed their face. Starting from their scalp, travelling through their left eye it stopped at their lips corner. It was an ugly looking scar, shaping like an angry lighting, whoever did it clearly was trying to kill them. Their left eye was half closed and the pupil and the iris were clear, almost transparent. They definitely couldn’t see from this eye. Their left eyebrown was cut in half because of it. Their black hair was shaved on the sides and a long braid rested on their shoulder. Their safe eye was green and, apart from this gash, their brownish skin was spotless. Rey could feel plenitude and a comforting calm coming from them.

 

This face… Where did she see this face before ?

 

_« Ben ! I beg you ! Stop this madness ! »_

 

_« No, Benny. I would not lie to you. Never to you. »_

 

_« Come, Brother. »_

 

The woman at the Jedi temple massacre ! Ben’s sister ! The one he killed ! It was her. Rey was sure, but how ? How could it be ? She saw Ben strike her down. Was she some sort of ghost ? A Force trick ?

 

« Do I look like a 900 years old small green alien to you ? »


	6. Anagarika

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anagarika : a person who has given up most or all of his worldly possessions and responsibilities to commit full-time to Buddhist practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the positive feedbacks! I have a lot of pleasure and inspiration that help me to write and your comments contribute to it.

Rey was speechless. She kept asking herself if the woman standing before her was a hallucination, a trick played by her tired mind. Did she became insane ? She saw Kylo Ren standing above her dead body…. Or did she ? The young Jedi closed her eyes when he gave his opponent the final blow. When she reopened it, the woman wasn’t moving and rested into a puddle of blood. Besides it was a vision of the past, she could see and feel as much as the Force let her. Even so, how did she survive, fainted and wounded in a burning place ? How did she ended up on Dagobah ? Questions were rushing inside her head.

 

« Confusion. »

 

…What ?

 

« Questioning. »

 

« What are you talking about ? »

 

« You are wandering , alone, in a thick mist, darkness surrounding you, threatening you. You’re gripping the tiniest fragment of light that you can see. »

 

Rey felt goosebumps on her back, going up on her spine. The woman’s face was neutral, letting no emotions being seen. Her tone was calm, each word she said being pronounced impeccably. Rey had never been diagnosed by a doctor, but she thought that what was happening was close enough. This was scary, it was as if the woman knew everything about her and this feeling was increased by her piercing green eye. Even her transparent blind one, although motionless and dead, was creeping her and yet she saw worse on Jakku.

 

« Are you scared ? »

 

Of which, she almost asked. She didn’t know anymore if the woman was talking of the darkness or herself. How come she knew all of this ? Rey didn’t felt her forcing herself on her mind like Kylo did on Starkiller base, in fact, she felt nothing coming from the stranger except peace and fulfillment. How come she did it ? How could she read her like that without violating her mind ? Finally, she asked the question which burned her lips.

 

« Who are you ? »

 

The woman lips corner, the left one, trembled. A smirk appeared, her scar moving with it, making it even more difform. Her eye seemed to smile too.

 

« Aaah. That the big question isn’t it ? But before knowing the other, isn’t it more important to know himself ? »

 

Was this woman real ?

 

« Are you a Jedi ? » Rey asked, voice trembling. After all, she was at the Jedi school so it was logical she could be one, but…

 

« Do I seem one to you ? »She answered, contending herself with shrugging.

 

« Are you going to answer all my questions with another one ? »

 

The woman really started to get on Rey’s nerves.

 

« I like to think that the question matters more than the answer. »

 

« How come ? »

 

The woman put two fingers on her temple, tapping it.

 

« Answers demand knowledge while questions demand doubts and what is doubts, if not a way which allows us to seek, to make our own way, our own light, our own being. »

 

Rey never considered things from this point of view. A new feeling overwhelmed her, it was as if the wind blew and moved aside the mist, not much, but enough for the torch that Master Luke gave her to live a little longer, as if its flames were reawaked. What was that?Was it a kind of revelation ? The porg must have felt her perturbated state as he started to chirp and to move inside her arms.

 

« See ? Even your little friend can feel your nervousness. »

 

How could she not be nervous ? This stranger just had to look into her eyes to guess what was eating her up. Well, that and scaring away a giant snake just by talking.

 

« Animals are often more sensitive than the entire living being. Their senses are sharper, and I’m sure that their lack of envy had something to do with it. »

 

While talking, the woman walked to Rey. The young Jedi then noticed that she was limping and the image of a wounded knee flashed before her eyes. It seemed that her duel against Kylo Ren left more damages that she thought. Once she was close enough, she lifted a hand near the porg whom started to sniff it. When he was sure it was safe, he cuddled his head against it and the woman scratched it. Rey took advantage of the opportunity to take a closer look of her face.

 

Now, she could see that tiny scars, almost invisible, sprinkled her figure and her hands, proofs that the woman must have to fight more than once to survive. She was the same height as Rey, maybe a little bit taller but not by much.Her cape was black and her tunic grey. Of course, she didn’t spot her sooner; she faded into the background with clothes like that. It reminded her of her own clothes on Jakku, clear like the sable that surrounded her back then.

 

« You’re a cute little fella. I’m wondering where you come from. I never saw someone like you before. »

 

While the question was asked to the bird, the woman’s eye glared at Rey, looking right through her. She wanted to say a lot of things : that she was from Jakku, she was a Jedi, she was from the Resisitance… And that she knew Luke. And Ben Solo. But how could she tell her all of this ? How could she explain it to a person she saw being killed in a vision and that she was not sure of the kind of relationship that she had with these two men. Ok. Let’s start with the basis.

 

« He’s a porg from Ahch-To, and I’m Rey from Jakku. »

 

The woman stopped petting the bird and straighten herself up. The porg voiced his displeasure, clearly enjoying the caress.

 

« Jakku, huh ? That a long way to Dagobah and this planet is knew by few. Why a lost planet inside the Outer Rimes territories and made of swamps and bogs could have forced you to make this travel, Rey ? »

 

« I’m looking for answers. » The words left her mouth before she could stop.

 

The woman crossed her arms and tilted her head on the side, like a curious animal.

 

« And you believe you can found them here ? »

 

Rey nodded. The stranger said nothing, her face neutral, glaring at her. The young Jedi started to feel awkward, not knowing what she could said and the woman could be thinking. Only the sounds made by the animals, hided by the trees, could be heard. Finally, her steady and husky voice resonated inside the swamp.

 

« I trust you, but I doubt that what you seek is on this planet. »

 

Then, she turned her back to Rey.

 

« Come. »

 

Hold on !

 

« What ? Where to ? »

 

« My hut. We’ll be more comfortable to talk and the animals won’t interrupt us, they don’t come near it. »

 

It’s not like she could refuse : apart the X-Wing, she had no place to sleep, besides, this woman was kind enough to not hold her threat against her, and the porg seemed to like her, so why not ? Rey started to walk, quickly reaching shoulder-high to the woman.

 

« Well, okay, but can I go back to my ship ? I need to fetch my stuff. »

 

She stopped.

 

« Of course. Go. I’ll be waiting for you. »

 

Rey put the bird near the stranger and, rapidly, returned to the X-Wing. On her way back, she looked to her bag, but it must had been drowned inside the bog, lost forever. A good thing that didn’t had anything important inside. Once she was sure that she didn’t forgot anything, she returned to the woman whom didn’t have moved, except that the porg was missing.

 

« Where is he ? » She asked, looking for him.

 

The woman smiled and turned her back, showing with her thumb, the nesting sleeping bird inside her hood. Seeing this, Rey smiled too.

 

« Alright. Now, let’s go. »

 

The two women started to march when another question popped inside Rey’s mind.

 

« Wait a minute. I don’t even know your name. »

 

She could have sworn that she heard her giggle but with all the sounds surrounding them it was hard to be sure.

 

« Ask to our common acquaintance. I’m sure he remember me. »

 

Rey almost fell over.

 

* * *

 

  
Leia Organa saw and heard a lot of things in her life, but mostly she grieved and fought, way more that a single human being could bear. If she had been a weaker woman, she wouldn’t have survive all of this, death would have strike her for a long time. The day she saw Alderaan being destroyed, she knew that she had to change, that she had to become more that a simple being made of flash and bones, she had to become a symbol. A symbol of Hope and Justice. For the Rebellion then the Resistance. For the Galaxy. For herself.

 

Slowly, she let the princess die to become the general and soon she found herself being alone. Always surrounded, but desperately alone. By embracing her role, she knew that sacrifices must be made. Oh, she paid the price surely, but she wasn’t the only one. Han. Luke. Ben. They paid it too.

 

When Han wanted to leave, she didn’t stop him, when he returned, she embraced him and when he died, she mourned him. When Ben left to the Jedi school she didn’t stop him, when he wanted to talk to her, she didn’t listen, and when he became Kylo Ren, she mourned him. When Luke created his Jedi academy, she didn’t stop him, when he flew after the massacre, she didn’t searched for him, and when he died, she mourned him.

 

She’s still mourning them. Them and her family, her friends, her comrades, her planet. All of them were gone. Except maybe Ben, but she wasn’t sure that she’ll live long enough to see him coming back.

 

Yes, Leia Organa had lost more and fought more than the common mortal. She knew betrayal, she lived through so much, she lived the ultimate one from her own son, but never, ever she thought that her brother was capable of such a thing. Even if she lived 1,000 years, she will never believe that Luke had done such a cowardly act.

 

« I can’t believe it... »

 

The shock of the news was too much for her old wounded body, and Lando helped her to sit when he saw that she had difficulty to keep standing. Maz was looking at her with sad eyes.

 

« I’m sorry, Leia. I really am. »

 

« Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Maz ? I could have done something. » She asked, trying to find a logic in this crazy situation.

 

« How could I ? I hardly believed it myself, and I saw it with my own two eyes. Besides, Luke begged me to keep it secret until he tells you himself, but I guess he never had the courage nor the time... »

 

How could he do something like this? And if what she said was true, Ben’s betrayal and massacre made a lot more of sense, but how could she be sure of it ? She trusted Maz; she knew that the pirate queen had nothing to gain to lie to her about this. No, it was the other part, the one about Luke and Ben this fateful night.

 

« Luke… Brother, what have you done ? »

 

Lando took Leia’s hand, holding it inside his two, trying to comfort her.

 

« I know. I hardly believe it too... »

 

And Rey ? Kriff ! She sent her on Dagobah hoping that she will found answers to her questions, but she may have rather sent her to her demise. She squeezed her friend’s hands, looking him into the eyes.

 

« We must contact Rey. Quick ! »


	7. Bodhicitta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bodhicitta : the mind that strives toward awakening, empathy, and compassion for the benefit of all sentient beings

Rey hardly believed what was happening to her. Not so long ago, she was a lonely scavenger on Jakku, struggling to survive and now she was a Resistance hero, a wannabe Jedi drinking tea with a living ghost on Dagobah. Well, tea was maybe exaggerated. It was a greenish smoking and boiling liquid which smelled like fermented vegetables, like rotten alcohol. Was the woman trying to poison her ?

 

« Drink while it is warm. It’s bitter when it’s cold. »

 

She was kidding right ? The smell alone was barely bearable. Her porg, himself, was looking at the bowl with terrified eyes. Rey started to wonder if the stranger haven’t lost her mind. Who knows how long she had lived alone on this desolated and dangerous planet ? When she put a bowl full of "tea" next to her, on an empty seat, she was more than certain.

 

The table was a dead stump which had cut roots. The chairs were made of basic sculpted rocks with a flat top. In fact, every furniture was either made of rock or wood. It was obvious that the woman was here since a long time and took advantage of it to make herself comfortable. Well, as comfortable as a planet made of swamps and bogs can. The hut was built with stones of similar shapes and weight, glued together with a strange mud mixture. What seemed to be her bed was made of dried leaves and a big flat rock. It was really austere, and it reminded Rey of Ach’To and Master Luke way of living. She just hoped that her host didn’t drink strange blue milk. She really hoped she didn't do. The suspicious "tea" was more than enough. Finally, the young woman asked the question which troubled her.

 

« Hum. Excuse me, but why a third bowl ? »

 

The stranger sat right in front of her.

 

« You are not the only person whom comes to visit me unannounced. » She answered peacefully.

 

« There is other people living here ? » Asked Rey, hopefully. Maybe she wasn’t as crazy as she thought. Her host laughed quietly.

 

« Well, living isn’t exactly the word I’ll use, but I guess that in a way I’m living with them. »

 

The Jedi looked around the unique room. There was only one bed, and the hut was really small. It was obvious that it had been built for one person. How come two people or more could live in it ?

 

« They drop from time to time, but they don’t stay very long. »

 

« Really ? Why ? »

 

Maybe because you serve them disgusting looking drinks, she restrained herself to say. The woman took a slip of her tea before answering her.

 

« Well, we often disagree. We don’t really share the same points of view on a lot of things, even if our intentions are the same. If you live with me, you will see that I have a lot of uncommon opinions and that I am not afraid to say it. »

 

That was certainly unexpected. Seeing that her hosts face didn’t changed when she drank, Rey decided to give it a try. She grabbed her bowl, took a breath and brings it to her lips. The hot liquid fell into her throat, warming her. Strangely, it doesn’t taste as anything, like at all. Well, at first. Suddenly, spicy spikes were scratching her and burning her inside. A violent coughing fit took her, her hands clawed at her chest, trying to catch some air. Big-fat tears were falling from her eyes, blinding her. In this chaos, she could hear her porg crying screech.

 

After several dying minutes, Rey managed to get her body’s control back. Gradually, her breath calmed down, and the tears stopped. Her porg was nudging her knee, chirping worriedly. Once she was sure that she risked no new coughing fit, she looked at her poisoner. She was still calmly drinking her drink, not in the least bothered. Rey saw red.

 

« What the Kriff was that ?! »

 

« A home-made grog. Well, kind of. It’s more a mix of hot alcohol and tea. It’s made of Ladhia plants dry leaves, yarum seeds and Gnaltree’s lianas. »

 

Rey had not a single idea of what these plants were, but she was sure that mixing them together wasn’t recommended. When she first landed on the planet Takodana with Han Solo, she thought that green was amazing. She was bewitched by the splendid forest and she relished the fruits and vegetables that Maz offered them to eat. She never thought that nature could create such delicious and wonderful food. Neither create poisonous drink.

 

« I know the taste is… surprising. At least, the first times, but with time you get used to it. Besides, it helps you keep warm in the cold winter nights, and it’s unexpectedly nutritional. »

 

Oh Kriff… If this woman drank this hellish beverage every day, it would be no surprise that her neighbors didn’t visited her often. In fact, Rey started to wonder if these people weren’t a creation of her host lonely mind. Maybe her years of solitude made her lose her mind. Unless it was her "grog". In every instance, there was no way that the young Jedi finish her bowl. She wanted to live a long life and sane, if possible.

 

« Yeah… Oh ! I just remember that I left something inside my ship ! I must seek it ! I come back quickly. »

 

« Wait ! Your grog’s going to be cold ! »

 

She was in the middle of her sentence that Rey already had left the hut. On her way to her X-Wing she could heard the woman’s voice. Was she talking alone ? She was more touched than she thought.

* * *

 

  
Supreme Leader Kylo Ren started to become a nervous wreck, and it was obvious to everyone inside the First Order. In a few days, he became more violent, more irascible and dark rings appeared under his eyes, proofs of his restless nights. His staff members and Knights of Ren avoided him, talking to him only if necessary. Even general Hux was, surprisingly, calm, not talking back to him. Most of the people assumed that his new role as Supreme Leader was responsible of his behavior and his fatigue. It was only half the truth.

 

It wasn’t his new responsibilities who kept him awake at night. No. It was something he thought dead, something he had killed many years ago : his conscience.

 

During, at least, half his life , Kylo transferred the responsibilities of his actions to his family. Blaming his parents for abandoning him to his traitorous uncle whom didn’t hesitated to try to kill him because of his strength. Blaming them of neglecting him because of their ''duty''. Blaming his weak mother and uncle of refusing to recognize their true legacy. Blaming his coward of a father of avoiding his responsibilities. Of course, at first, he was just sad, then sadness became anger and his anger became hate. In the end, only his hate remained… And now it was gone.

 

His father was dead, he killed him. His mother was dead, killed during the Raddus attack. His uncle was dead, sacrificed to save the Resistance. His family was gone, all of them, and he had play a rôle in their death one way or another. For the first time for a long time, Kylo Ren felt… Empty. Yes, it’s the right word, empty. Their disappearances left an emptiness that he didn’t understand, a hole he didn’t know how to fill.

 

For so long, he thought that their death, his vengeance and the Supreme Leader’s throne was all he wanted, all he needed, and now that he achieved his goals there was nothing left for him to do. How ironic… And if it wasn’t enough, they came back to haunt him.

 

Not his family ghosts. No, it would have been too simple, they were elder than this. The ghosts he buried inside his mind for so long that he forgot everything about them. Their names, their faces, their voices. At first, he didn’t recognize them.

 

It’s started the night following Snoke’s death. At first, it was distant voices calling him. Then it escalated: scenes of his past playing right under his eyes, making him the powerless audience. It happened at any moment of the day, but mostly the night. He cursed these ghosts, wishing to kill them a second time, but there was nothing he could do except endure it silently. There were nights worse than others, that was when his uncle was involved. And her. He hated theses flashbacks because it reminded him that his time at the Jedi school hasn’t been all black. There were moments that he enjoyed, but he deliberately forgot them, focusing only on the worse.

 

Oh ! How he wished that they were real and still alive, so that he could killed them again. He’ll get rid of them with his lightsaber, and…

 

_« Ben ? »_

That wasn’t one of their voices. No, he could recognize this one anywhere.

 

« Rey ? »

 

Indeed, the young woman stood before him, watching him with concerned eyes. He was so lost inside his mind that he didn’t felt her.

 

_« Are you okay ? »_

 

Ha. He must really look like shit if she was worried about him.

 

« Yeah, yeah. I’m just tired. Nothing to worry about. »

 

Looking at her face, it was clear that she didn’t trusted him, but she didn’t insisted. Then Kylo remembered something.

 

« So, are you arrived ? »

 

She looked at him with a perplexed look.

 

« The place you were supposed to go. »

 

A flash of recognition passed in her brownish eyes, but her face was inexpressive.

 

_« It doesn’t concern you. »_ She answered him, harshly.

 

Kylo managed to hold his sigh back. He shouldn’t be surprised by her reaction. She already refused to tell him the first time.

 

« When will you learn that everything that concern you is also concerning me ? » He asked, his tone weary.

 

He sat or rather collapsed on his bed, letting his body slumping. Leaning his elbows on his thighs, the head low and his hair falling down, hiding his face, Kylo knew that he must look pitiful, but he didn’t care, it was Rey. Has it been any other person, he’ll killed them right where they stand, but not her, never her.

 

She didn’t answer him, of course. At least, not with words. There was no need of this between them, and he understands it the first time their hands touched. They communicated better via feelings and touching, even so he knew that they couldn’t do it forever. Sooner or later, they’ll need to talk, to really talk. He’ll never admit it, but he was scared of it. Scared that their bond will be tainted or worse, broken. Scared that he’ll be alone. Again…

 

Suddenly, Kylo felt hands on his head, fingers running through his hair, appeasing him. He leaned in, until his forehead met her womb and closed his eyes, imagining that Rey was really here, wishing that this moment last forever. Despite himself, pictures of his mother doing the same thing to him when he was just a child flashed in his head, making him yearn for maternal touches. Soon, his mother’s face was replaced by one he had long forgotten. The caresses were also full of love, but it was more of a sisterly one. The young man gritted his teeth, trying to shake this image of his head.

 

_« Ben ? »_

 

He grunted, not wanting to break the moment.

 

_« Do you remember what I asked you not so long ago ? »_ She asked, her voice uncertain.

 

Immediately, he tensed, his hands gripped her waist. Please…

 

_« Her name, Ben. I know you lied to me, and that you still remember it. »_

 

She wasn’t going to give up, was she ?

 

« Does it amuse you to torment me ? What use could you make of this fool name ? She died a long time ago, and I already told you that I forget about her. »

 

Kylo Ren had seen and heard a lot of things in his troubled life, but nothing could have prepared him for the words that left Rey’s mouth.

 

_« That not what she said. »_

 

His eyes opened wide and he lifted his head, gazing back at Rey whom seemed to realize that she just said something that she shouldn’t have. There was no lie in her chocolate eyes, and he couldn’t fell any dishonesty that means…

 

« She’s alive? Sahila is alive ?! » He whispered in a hushed and quiet voice, so quiet that he wasn’t sure that Rey heard him. He never thought that he would say this name again. It tasted and sounded so foreign to him while there was a time that it was the most important one for him.

 

Before Rey could answer him, the Force called her back to it, leaving Kylo alone with this revelation and his ghosts.

* * *

 

  
_« You’re not going to check on her ? »_

 

Ah. It’s been a long time.

 

« Why ? She’s not going far, and it’s not like she can’t protect herself. »

 

She finished her bowl, letting the hot drink flowing inside her, warming her in and out. She can’t blame Rey for her reaction. At first, she couldn’t drink a single drop of this tea, but it’s not like she had the choice. Besides, she had more than all the time she needed to get used to it.

 

_« And you do trust her ? »_

 

She put her empty bowl back on the table and looked at the hollowing figure.

 

« As long as she doesn’t give me a reason not to, I don’t see why I shouldn’t. »

 

The Force already told her not to worry about this.

 

_« What are you doing to do with her ? »_ He asked, curious.

 

« Well, listen to what she had to say, while hoping that she does the same thing to me. »

 

_« You’re going to teach her ? »_

 

Not this again.

 

« I’m not like your kind. I’m not arrogant enough to pretend to play a role that not mine to play. » She answered, coldly. It was a conversation that they already had at least a hundred times, he was persistent, she must admit it.

 

He sighed and glared at his still steaming bowl.

 

_« You know, I’m trying to understand you. I really do, but sometimes you seem so… Beyond reach. »_

 

« Don’t worry, it’s mutual. »

 

He smiled at her, a warm and peaceful smile that she couldn’t help to return.

 

_« I’d like stay, but I can feel your young friend coming back, and I’m not sure that she’s ready for me. »_

 

« I understand. You gave me quiet the scare the first time too. »

 

The ghost disappeared the moment Rey opened the door. She was panting and sweating, she must had run to come back.

 

« Are you okay ? You seem like you had Death running after you ? »

 

« Sahila. »

 

… Did her ears play a trick on her ?

 

« Your name is Sahila, right ? »

 

She closed her eyes, savoring the moment. It’s been so long since someone, a living human said her name. She could cry about it, and the simple fact that of knowing who tell her this… She could feel he tears coming, but she held it back, at least for now. She pinched her bridge, trying to get a hold of her feelings before reopening her eyes, gazing back at Rey.

 

« So, Ben does remember... »


	8. Bodhicitta II

_The moment her connection with Ben was shut down, Rey was projected in a scene that looked foreign yet familiar. She knew this feeling, that happened when the Force showed her a scene from the past or from the future. She looked around her. She was standing in the middle of the woods, gigantic trees which top seemed to touch the blue sky and thick bushes surrounding her. The birds were singing. Everything seemed so peaceful…_

 

_Suddenly, she heard sobs and murmurs. The young woman was so engrossed by the green paradise that she didn’t pay attention to the noises. She followed it, the leafs and the bush not touching her. That fascinated her everytime how she could just passed through the setting during her visions. Soon, she reached an enormous tree which had a hollow. Inside, hided by the dark, she could make out a trembling figure. No doubt that the crying were coming from there. The hole was big enough to hide a child or an Ewok, but not an adult. That didn’t stop her from kneeling and trying to get inside._

 

_Alas, it seemed that the Force’s laws of the physic were random, since she couldn’t manage to pass through the tree. She puffed and huffed, but nothing could be done. She was thankful that the child couldn’t hear nor see her because she must have looked stupid. New noises, this time of ruffling leafs and craking twigs made her and the child gasp and jump. Turning around, she was ready to see a dangerous threat, but only a young girl emerged from the woods._

 

_She looked like to be 10 or 11 years old, brownish skin, short dark hair and green eyes. She looked like the woman in Dagobah, but in a child version… The pre-teen looked around herself before setting her gaze on the tree hollow. During this time, Rey noticed that the child behind her stopped to cry and became silentious. He was definitely hiding from the other one. She came closer, until she was only a few feet apart from the entrance. She looked intensely at it. Rey could see the machinery working behind her eyes._

 

_« Hey. I know you’re there. »_

 

_She heard a gasp coming from the hollow._

 

_« C’mon. Everyone is looking for you. »_

 

_« I won’t go ! » The childish cavernous vice shouted, visibly angry._

 

_The girl doesn’t seemed surprise by this burst of emotions. She just kneeled next to Rey, trying to look inside the hiding place._

 

_« Why? It’s not so bad. There is a lot of children like us. » She spooked, quietly, like one does to appease a frighten animal._

 

_« I don’t care ! »_

 

_« It’s not always fun, but Master Luke takes good care of us and he’s super funny when he does his Jedi mind tricks. Especially the one with the flying rocks ! It’s the best ! »_

 

_« Pfff ! I’m sure, it’s the same old one he shows me every time he comes to visit ! »_

 

_Understanding that this conversation was likely to be long, the girl sat cross-legged in front of the hollow._

 

_« What are you doing ?! »_

 

_« Waiting for you. »_

 

_« But… Why ? »_

 

_«I already told you : everybody is looking for you, and it means me too. »_

 

_« I don’t care ! Go away ! »_

 

_Immediately, a rock flow next to the girl's head, missing her from a hair's breadth, but she barely moved, even so she was clearly surprised by it._

 

_« Hey ! You could have hurt me ! » She shouted, offended._

 

_« I.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, but… I’m just so angry ! »_

 

_The child was surprised by his own actions, Rey could heard and feel the sorrow and the horror in his voice. Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to hold it against him._

 

_« Even so, it’s no reason to throw rocks at people’s face ! » Well, seemed only._

_Everything was silent for a moment. The hided child too ashamed to talk, and the girl too angry. Finally, she sighed._

 

_« Why are you angry? You don’t want to meet the others ? »_

 

_Another minute of silence._

 

_« I don’t want to go… But my parents are forcing me to go. »_

 

_This revelation surprised the girl._

 

_« What ? You still had your parents, and Master Luke wants to take you in ? »_

 

_Rey didn’t understood : did Luke only took orphans as padawans ?_

 

_« They are abandonning me. They don’t want me... »_

 

_Sadness overwhelmed them both Rey and the girl. What could they say ? What could be said in this kind of situation ? Nothing… Despite herself, the young woman felt her chest clenching, the familiar feelings of loneliness and abandonment came back, slapping her in the face. Was the parents of this child really giving him up to Master Luke ? Just like that ?_

 

_« You can’t be serious... »_

 

_The child scoffed._

 

_« I heard them talking when they thought I wasn’t there. They think I’m dangerous that why they’re sending me away. » His tone was sarcastic, but Rey could feel the hurt feelings behind these corrossive words. Silence followed this revelation._

 

_« Look, I… I’m not sure to understand you, but what I know is that running away and hiding yourself won’t solve your problem. If, really, you don’t want to go to Master Luke’s school, you have to tell him. And to your parents too. »_

 

_« They won’t listen to me. They never do... »_

 

_The young girl kneeled and came closer to the hollow’s entrance._

 

_« Maybe, but what do you have to lose ? »_

 

_Rey was surprised by the wisdom and the sensibility of this young child. Unconsciously, she thought that if her elder version became wiser she really has a lot to learn from her._

 

_« Listen, I can’t give you an answer neither a solution, but I can help you. »_

 

_Then, she held her hand to the hiding child._

 

_« Why ? I don’t even know you. Why would you help me ? What do you have to gain from it ! » He asked, sceptical._

 

_« It’s true, we don’t know each other, but I’ll be a poor Jedi if I didn’t help those in need. »_

 

_A Jedi? So, this girl really was one of Master Luke’s student._

 

_« My name is Sahila, and you ? »_

 

_A minute of silence, then, slowly, a smaller hesitant hand came into the light, laying inside the presenting one. Even slower, a little boy came out. He must be seven years old, with a big black bird’s nest as hair that wasn’t enough to hide his large ears, an aquiline nose and dark eyes. This must be…_

 

_« I’m Ben. » He said, in a quiet and timid tone._

 

_Sahila closed her hand around his and shake it, smiling at him._

 

_« Nice to meet you, Ben. Now, what are you doing to do ? »_

 

_He hesitated, his gaze binding on the floor and his other hand gripping his pants._

 

_« Going back home and speak with my dad and my mom and my uncle Luke. »_

 

_« Nice ! I’m going to try to help you, I’ll speak to Master Luke. He listen to me, well, most of the time. »_

 

_« Really ? »_

 

_Ben’s eyes were shining, full of hope and a smile appeared on his face, showing a missing tooth. How cute !_

 

_« Really. Now lets go before it gets dark. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to feel hungry. »_

 

_The distinctive growl of a hungry stomach answered Sahila, making her laugh and Ben blushing._

 

_« Let’s go. »_

 

_The boy nodded and followed her, his hand still holding her’s._

* * *

 

  
Rey was still panting from her run to Sahila’s hut. She couldn’t believe that the woman sitting right in front of her was a, if not the only, survivor from the Jedi School’s massacre. Master Luke last student (aside herself if she could call herself so) and the living proof that Ben Solo wasn’t always Kylo Ren. Him calling her name in a desperate and hopeless plea… Rey had seen the tiny glimmer of hope in his dark eyes, before she disappeared. Maybe, deep inside him, he wanted her to be still alive.

 

« So, I assume that you managed to have a long enough conversation with our mutual acquaintance to learn my name. » She asked, calmly, but her tone didn’t fool the young woman : she saw her trying to hold her tears back and she could feel her sorrow and her relief.

 

« Yes, yes… Ben told me. »

 

A pregnant silence followed her words, Sahila was studying her, her half-seeing eyes gazing back inside her brown ones. Not for the first time, she wished that she had a strong enough control of the Force to read the other woman mind. Even so, she was way ahead of her, being older and being trained by Master Luke. Rey only saw a glimpse of her power, and it was more than enough for her to decide than she shouldn’t confront her host, at least, not frontally.

 

« You were a student of Luke Skywalker. »

 

« Yes. »

 

« You trained alongside Ben Solo. »

 

« Indeed. »

 

« Yet you claim not to be a Jedi. »

 

« Wrong. I asked you if you wanted me to be one, I never denied not being a Jedi. »

 

« So… You are ? »

 

Sahila sighed, closing her eyes as she stands up.

 

« You’re so determined to stick me with an image of me that exist only in your mind that you can’t understand the whole picture. You don't see the corners, the details. »

 

The older woman came closer.

 

« You didn’t stop a second to ask yourself what else I could be. Don’t you know that the Jedi isn’t the only order of Force sensitive warriors... » She whispered right in front of her face, her tone turning stoic, almost cold.

  
A shiver ran through Rey’s back, her senses in alert, fear slowly entering her mind as she realized that she just trusted a person whom she didn’t knew her nature nor her intentions. She cursed herself for her naivety, Jakku taught her better than that. Slowly, she approached her hand to the blaster on her hips, but as she almost touched it…

 

She froze. She couldn’t move despite her efforts; it was like she was restained, invisible ties blocking her. This situation had a bitter sensation of déjà vu.

 

« I never liked blasters. Those are clumsy and messy weapons… Hmph. I’m starting to sound like the old man. » Said Sahila, half to Rey, and half to herself. Insanity definitely invaded her mind.

 

« Tell me, what does Luke tell you when you meet him ? Did he play "the benevolent master" card ? Or did he become the angry bitter man that he feared to be ? » She asked while circling around her, like a predator with her prey.

 

« How do you know... » Struggled Rey, trying to look at her.

 

« I told you : you don’t see the whole picture. Didn’t he teach you anything other than flying rocks ? No, "Jedi mind trick" doesn’t count, any Force sensitive can do it if they use the rights words and the right tone. There are so much possibilities, so much power both from the Light and the Dark side, why focusing only on one ?. » She rambled, just behind her.

 

« I won’t let the Dark Side... »

 

« Seduce you, I know. Is that the only thing that he told you ? » Finally, Sahila was back in Rey’s field of vision. Now, she could see that the woman right hand was raised at her hips level, her fingers contracted claw-like.

 

« So what ? At least, I’m not becoming a Sith like you nor Kylo Ren ! »

 

« I’M NOT KYLO REN ! » She shouted, lowering violently her arm, releasing Rey of her influence. The young woman kneeled on the cold moist floor, trying to get a hold of herself.

 

« Nor I am a Sith. »

 

Sahila sat next to Rey whom jerked away in reflex. The woman looked suddenly old and tired, and Rey could barely hear the next whispered sentence.

 

« But Ben is not the only one to have been wronged by Luke Skywalker. »

* * *

 

« Supreme Leader ? »

 

Sitting on his throne, Kylo Ren didn’t answer too busy to relive the scene. A scene which happened 15 years ago.

 

How could she have survived ? He was certain that he struck her on the head, this blow should have killed her. Even so, how did she manage to escape the burning place and being healed ? Skywalker must have did it, there is no other way. How foolish of him! He should have run his lightsaber through her, right in the heart. Instead, he chooses to slap her with his weapon. How weak ! He won’t make the same mistake twice. Next time, they meet… Wait ? She won’t be alone. She’s with Rey. What, in Kriff, this fool’s going to tell her ?! If Sahila was, as stubborn as she was back then, she could easily manipulate the young woman. That won’t do…

 

« Supreme Leader Kylo Ren ! »

 

« What ?! »

 

Finally, Ren opened his eyes to meet with the unpleasant face of Hux. The General held a datapad and seemed as happy to here that him.

 

« I said : we had informations about the Resistance. »

 

Ugh. Those puny worms. Again. Wait. Maybe Sahila joined them. That’ll explain how Rey knew her.

 

« What of them ? » He asked, interested, putting his head on his right hand.

 

« Well, they seem to have been seen in the Corellian system and they most probably settle on one of its planet. »

 

« Then find it and quick ! If that all, you are dismissed. » Leave me alone with my ghosts, he almost tells him. Not seeing the annoying General leaving, he finally asked him.

 

« What ? There is more ? »

 

« An information that must be of interest to you : Leia Organa is still alive. »

 

The sound of the crushing armrest resonated inside the empty throne room. Why the deads couldn’t just stay dead ?


	9. Kōan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kōan : a story, dialogue, question, or statement, which is used in Zen practice to provoke the "great doubt" and test a student's progress in Zen practice.

She had to get away from there ! What was she thinking ? What was the General thinking when she sent her on this crazy planet ?! Well, for her defense she thought that it was desert but how stupid of her to accept to go ! Of course, said abandoned planet was inhabited by an insane force sensitive hermit who happened to be Luke Skywalker’s former student and Ben Solo’s friend. And she had a grudge against them. It could have been alright if she hasn’t tried to kill her !

 

Rey and her luck, ladies and gentlemen.

 

After Sahila’s confession about Skywalker, Rey ran out of the hut as fast as she could. She’s not going to stay a minute longer on this damn planet. Fuck her training ! Fuck it ! She’s not going to live with a woman who tried to kill her the first day they met !

 

_« You mean like the young Solo did ? »_

 

What ? What was that ? She stopped running to take a look around her. Nothing, except the same gloomy trees. Maybe it was the wind…

 

_« Isn’it a bit unfair to Sahila ? »_

 

Ok. That definitely wasn’t the wind nor Ben’s voice, but then who was talking ? And where were they ? Panting, she still looked around, searching for the source of the voice. Was she becoming insane ?

 

« Who are you ? Where are you? Show yourself, you coward ! » She shouted, panic starting to invade her mind. A sweet and calm laugh answered her, but still nobody in sight. Was it all inside her head ? No. No, no, no, no ! What was in the air ? Are the plants veinomous ? Unless, it’s the tea this insane hermit gave her. Yeah, it must be that.

 

_« Because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean it’s bad or dangerous, young Rey. »_

 

Ok. It knows her name. Whatever it is,it knows her name and judging by its words it listened to her and Sahila’s talk. Not good. Definitely, not good. That it !

 

« Oh for Kriff’s sake ! Is everybody on this damn planet is talking in riddles ?! » She screamed, losing her calm.

 

For a minute, or maybe, an eternity there was no sound, no answer, no voice. Only Rey’s trying to catch her breath.

 

_« My apologies. »_

 

After her ears, her eyes started to trick her too because a blue man just appeared in front of her. Just like that. By magic. What in…

 

_« I did not mean to scare you nor to be rude, but I think that what I had to say might be of interest for you. »_

 

He wasn’t exactly blue, more like transparent blue, she could see through him without problem. He seemed to be middle-aged with long hair and a beard, he wore (Do ghosts wear clothes ?) the same kind of gown that Skywalker and Sahila. The Jedi’s outfit. Wait, no. After what just happened to her, it’s not a good idea to assume such thing.

 

« Alright, alright… I mean, an insane former student of Luke Skywalker just tried to kill me. Again. So, why not listen to a ghost ? It’s not like it could get worse from there. » Whispered Rey, half to herself and half to the spirit.

 

_« She did not try to kill you, young one. »_ He assured, calmly.

 

« You’re kidding, right ?! She just immobilized me and started monologing about the ‘not so bad’ Dark Side ! »

 

_« Did you felt it ? »_

 

« What ? »

 

_« Did you search in her feelings ? Did you felt her wish to end your life ? »_ The ghost kept asking.

 

Now that she thinks about it… There weren’t real negative emotions coming from Sahila, at least not against Rey. No, it wasn’t like Kylo Ren when he interrogated her on Star Killer base. The young woman didn’t have the chance to enter her mind since the elder one didn’t gave her a chance to. In fact, her hate unleashed when she compared her to a sith.

 

_« I’m not trying to excuse her actions. She shouldn’t have reacted this way, but if you stay on this planet you’ll see that Sahila is quite a… peculiar woman. She’s far more complex and hurt that you can imagine. »_

 

Maybe yes. Maybe no. For now, Rey will stay away from her, at least, until she calms down. Besides, there is still the ghost thing.

 

« Excuse me, but, who and what are you exactly ? » She asked, hoping not to offend the spirit.

 

Intsead, he crossed his arms, hiding them inside his tunic’s sleeves and lightly bowed in her direction.

 

_« Where are my manners ? You’ll have to excuse me, it’s been so long since someone came to visit us. »_

 

‘Us’ like Sahila and him ? Or like several ghosts ?

 

_« I’m indeed a ghost, yet not really. I’m a memory, a survival that can touch you because we are connected by the Force. I’m the soul and essence of the man I used to be. »_ He answered gravely.

 

« What is your name ? » Asked Rey, lips trembling, trying to understand the concept.

 

_« My name is Qui-Gon Jinn. »_

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, inside the hut, Sahila did not moved since Rey left. Sitting in the dust, looking at the worried Porg without seeing it. The bird was chirping looking into the direction the woman ran away, hesitating to follow her, the giant snake attack still fresh in his mind. Finally, the woman raised her right hand and gazed at it.

 

« You know I had to do it. So, keep your opinion to yourself. Thanks. » She said, coldly.

 

As the words left her lips, a blue silhouette came out in front of her.

 

_« Is there a reason for such behaviour ? »_ It asked, sternly.

« As if you didn’t know. She’s too pure, too rough, like a diamond not shaped. Untouched, yet not so innocent. Her life was not an easy one yet her conception of the Force and the universe is too simplistic. I thought that her meeting with Kylo Ren and Skywalker had tainted her vision, but it seems I was wrong. » She answered, closing her hand into a fist, still not looking at her guest.

 

_« You sound like you’re trying to corrupt her. »_

 

This sentence snapped her out of her dreamy state, making her, finally, look at the man.

 

« I’m trying to make her open her eyes ! »

 

_« By menacing her ? »_ He snapped back at her.

 

Sahila stand up as quick as her lame leg allowed her and stood in front of him, glaring back at him.

 

« Don’t give me that tone, old man. You know I never really intended to hurt her. Besides, you’re the one to talk, weren’t you used to be the one acting like the judge, the jury and the executioner ? »

 

_« Don’t talk about things you don’t know, child. The others may tolerate your insubordination, but I don’t. »_

 

The woman smirked, the left side or her face moving, the corner of her mouth lifting, making her scar even more deformed.

 

« It’s funny how you talk of ‘insubordination’ as if I should obey you. » She mocked him.

 

After all these years, you’ll think that he had learnt that Sahila did not care for their former status nor the fact that the Force was strong enough in them so that their spirit could still wander into the physic world of the living. Since day one, she treated them as any other being. Of course, at first, she had been impressed and intimidated by them, but she quickly get a hold of herself when they started to talk about the Light side and how the path she traveled was a dangerous one. Been there done that…

 

_« I don’t ask much, just that you show me the respect that you own me. »_

 

She scoffed at him. He dare…

 

« I don’t own you anything ! Respect must be earned, and in 15 years that we’ve been living together on this damn planet you didn’t do a thing that makes me wants to respect you. »

 

The porg chirped, confused, making her turn her gaze on him. She gets near him, kneeling the best she could, and started to pet him, reassuring him. Yet, despite her soft actions, her tone was still harsh.

 

« You never listen to me nor understand my motives. At least, the others are trying, but you... »

 

Her only seeing eye caught the blue silhouette coming. Instinctively, she shielded the bird while she did know that, for all his faults, he will never attack an innocent creature.

 

« You never tried. Not even once. » She whispered, almost sadly.

 

She wasn’t sure if he could felt it, but Sahila’s feelings were more made of sorrow than anger. Oh, at first, she was pretty full of anger and even hate, but she quickly understood that she couldn’t afford these feelings having the upper hand on her. She still had them, of course, but her years of training and meditation allowed her to controlling them better. She was no fool, she knew that she couldn’t always put a leash on them and that, sometimes, she must let them free. After all, she was no robot, she was not like them…

 

_« The same could be said to you. »_ He answered with the same tone.

 

Heh. Not wrong. Maybe they were just too stubborn to peacefully communicate. It was a good thing that one of them was dead, or else, they’ll had already crossed swords. The immovable object against the unstoppable force. She stands up, taking the porg in her hands.

 

« Maybe, but let me clear once and for all : you’re no master of mine. None of you are. »

 

She put the bird in her scarf, allowing him to nest before turning back to the silhouette, making sure her gaze met his.

 

« And I’ll be caught dead, before I allow you try to be Rey’s. »

 

She came closer.

 

« Here how we’ll proceed : I’ll talk to her and answer her questions and you’ll do the same. At the end of the day, she’ll make her choice, but not before she listens to all I had to said and I want the same thing from you. All of you. » She whispered, tense.

 

A pregnant silence followed her sentence.

 

_« … Fine, but I hope that you are aware of the responsibilities that’ll fall to you if she choses you. »_

 

Smiling, Sahila took the grey cloak that rested on her straw-made berth and wrapped it on her shoulders.

 

« Oh Windu. Once again you’re misinterpreting my intentions. I am part of the equation, true... » She answered, almost mockingly as she opened her hut’s door.

 

« But I am not one of the choice. »

 

She closed the door, not hearing the former Jedi Master’s answer.

 

* * *

 

« So let me get this straight. »

 

Rey was sitting on a rock, legs crossed, facing Quin-Gon’s ghost whom held the same position.

 

« You are the spirit, the essence of a former Jedi Master, killed by a Sith, whom, somehow ended on Dagobah, a planet mostly made of pure Force. »

 

The ghost nodded.

 

« There you met Yoda and soon enough you’re joined by others Jedi ghosts. Then Luke Skywalker come and go. Years later, another young Force sensitive come along, Sahila, who happened to be Skywalker’s former padawan. »

 

He nodded again.

 

« And finally, half a decade later, comes… me. » She finished, pointing herself.

 

_« You. »_ Agreed, Quin-Gon.

 

_« And I just told you the essential, there is a lot more. »_

 

Indeed, a hundred of questions shoved against one another inside her head, but where to begin ?

 

_« All answers will come in time, young one. You must not rush this kind of things when you are not ready. »_

 

« But I am ready ! I’ve been in the dark for so long and, finally, I’m meeting people who can give me some light. » She shouted, excited.

 

The silhouette smiled, amused by her reaction.

 

_« I understand, Rey, but please, get a hold of yourself. There are some things that may not be pleasant to hear. So, control yourself. »_ He spoke softly yet firmly.

 

Suddenly, the young woman felt a presence, recognizing whom it was coming from, she stands up and get in a fighting position.

 

_« Peace, young one. I told you, you have nothing to fear from her. »_ Told the ghost, trying to reassure her. Easy for him to say, it wasn’t him that has been paralyzed and threated.

 

Like she owned the place, Sahila did not try to hide her presence, despite the dangerous wildlife. Her footsteps were heavy, twigs and leafs moving under her feets, but it was obvious that one of her leg was limping. Rey couldn’t help but thinking that the animals must really fear her if they did not try to attack her while she did not try to hide her disability. She emerged from behind the trees, her green eye scanning the clearing, travelling through Rey before stopping on Quin-Gon. She sighed and came closer.

 

« I see you already started the enrolment, old man. »

 

_« Don’t be a scandalmonger, Sahila. I was just introducing our young friend to the basics of Dagobah. Better she learns it from me that under bad circumstances, no ? »_ Asked the ghost, still smiling.

 

« I don’t doubt your sincerity, old man, but I can’t help, but think that your opinion is… distorted. » She answered, sarcastically.

 

As the elder woman came nearer her, Rey tensed even more. She couldn’t help it. It was a normal reaction after being immobilized and threaten. In fact, if she has not been assured that Sahila could probably knock her off her feet in less than a minute, she’ll be confronting her. For now, she just glared at her, trying to make her understand all her distrust. The other woman seemed to feel it as she stopped a few feets away from her. She stand still, her green and white eyes looking back at her brown ones, but without showing any emotion. Quin-Gon stood in the middle, his sigh alternating between the both. Finally, after a long silent moment, he spoke.

 

_« Well, since I’m finished for now, I leave it to you, Sahila. »_ And then he disappeared as quickly as he came.

 

The son of a… Leaving her alone with this nutcase ! Rey became even more nervous, watching her carefully. She became stiff as Sahila slowly raised her right hand, she was about to run when the other woman lowered her scarf… showing the porg peacefully nested inside the cloth, sleeping.

 

« I was thinking that if you leave, you may want to take this little guy with you... » She whispered, almost inaudibly. Finally, Rey could feel something coming from the elder woman : awkwardness and regret. Did she let her felt it willingly ? Maybe, after all she seemed to have a good control over her emotions wich means that she lowered her barriers to Rey… The young Jedi wasn’t sure how to react.

 

« I don’t know what’s Quin-Gon told you, but it’s been so long since I have been around people. Real people, no ghosts Force nor animals and the last time I’ve met some, it didn’t end well, so... » She lowered her eyes and rubbed her neck.

 

« I forgot how to act around them and as you had seen I’m sensitive about some… subjects so my reactions can be disproportionate. » She stopped, certainly thinking about what to say next.

 

Rey said nothing, waiting for Sahila to continue, curiously, apprehensively.

 

« Look. I understand if you want to go, I don’t blame you, but you told me you came on Dagobah to answers and I think I can help you with that, if you want of course. » Finally, she raised her hand than her eyes, looking at Rey, her green one (the good one) was shining with something that looked a lot like hope and something else that she couldn’t really define.

 

Rey had a feeling of déjà vu.

 

At this moment, she couldn’t help but see and hear other things. A taller silhouette, shorter black hair, a different scar on the face, a deeper voice, but the same pleading eyes.

 

_« Join me, Rey. »_

 

She closed her eyes, trying to erase this vision of her mind. He wasn’t there, it was not the time nor the place. Letting the information sink inside, Rey tried to get a hold of herself. She closed her eyes and her hands, her nails scratching her palm, pain used as an anchor to reality.

 

« I’m not him, Rey. »

 

Opening her eyes, the young woman looked at Sahila. Really looked at her. She saw a tired warrior who fought too much fights, a soldier with a broken body and a scarred mind, a student abandoned and a sister betrayed. She saw a lonely woman, a very lonely woman. Rey couldn’t really explain it, but she felt it, she saw it, it was as if she travelled inside a long corridor with a lot of closed doors and that she only could take glimpse through the keyholes. It was incredibly satisfying and frustrating.

 

No. She wasn’t Kylo Ren nor Luke Skywalker.

 

« I accept. »

 

She will take her chance, but she will not take her hand.


	10. Avidyā

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avidyā : a Sanskrit word whose literal meaning is ignorance, misconceptions, misunderstandings, incorrect knowledge.

Kylo couldn’t proceed it. He just couldn’t.

 

They’re not dead. He didn’t kill them. Those damn women… But how ? How can this be possible ? He was sure his lightsaber hit Sahila’s head and he saw the ship where Leia was, exploding. Any other person would have died instantly… but not them. Of course, if there was a category of people whom could defy death itself General Leia Organa and Sahila would be in, they both were too stubborn to die and the Force was strong with them. Now, it makes sense why he didn’t saw them with the other ghosts.

 

He hated admits it, but for a long time Kylo was jealous of them, of their power. He envied his mother for the raw power which emanated from her, he envied his friend for her control and the ease with the Force. Most of all, he was envious of the way they were not perturbed by these powers, how they were women of principle that nothing and no one could change. Well, turned out that he was this no one

 

The last time he saw his mother was a few days before the massacre, he told her how he doubted Skywalker, that he didn’t felt safe with him and that he wanted her to come get him, but, of course, she didn’t listened. Again. He was sure that she came to greatly regret her actions.

 

The last time he saw Sahila was when she sparred him and tried to talk him out of his killing spree, how there was still hope for him, that there was still Light in him, and how she still saw him as his brother. He was pretty sure that she came to regret her words.

 

In a way or another, Kylo Ren left these women whom, he used to love, wounded and scarred. He felt it when their mind and spirit left their body, when the last glimpse of life extinguished. He was there ! He felt it ! He saw it ! So, how ?! How the Kriff could they have survived ?! Furious, he punched his throne’s armrests, again.

 

He has enough problems with the living, so why does the dead wanted to torment him now of all the time… But it won’t be long. Soon, his military staff will find the Resistance’s localization and then, he’ll make sure to end these vermins once and for all. He’ll deal with Sahila, making sure that this time his lightsaber pass through her empty brain. Then it’ll be Organa’s turn. He’ll cut the Resistance’s head. Literally. And, finally, Rey…

 

« Rey... » Kylo whispered in the throne room, low enough so that his guards didn’t heard it, or at least , if they heard it they didn’t let it know.

 

The Force must really like to play with him if not why does the woman whom name he just whispered appeared just in front of him, turning her back to him. Immediately, he sat straight, his nostrils flared, his pupils dilated. Just like a predator whom just spotted a prey, he raised slowly and soundless. He made a sign to his guards, ordering them to leave the room. They obeyed, they knew better than questioning their Supreme Leader’s orders.

 

Alone, Kylo continued to approach Rey, still turning her back to him, she seemed to talk with somebody and whoever it was, they monopolized her attention so much that she didn’t noticed that he was there. It’s only when he stood right behind her, his torso almost touching her back that she seemed to realize. She tensed and stopped talking.

 

« Hello Rey. »

 

She didn’t move, but he knew that she heard him.

 

« Last time, you left me without answering my question... » He whispered, menacing while leaning next to her ear, to be sure that she heard it.

 

« Is this fool still alive ? »

  
At least, the question made Rey’s react. She turned around, facing him with a closed face.

 

_« So, now you remember her. »_

 

He played with her, but a part of him wandered if his former friend was really alive. It was possible, even likely, that she appeared to Rey as a ghost. Skywalker used to tell him, that Jedi whom had enough power and a strong bond with the Force could survive in a nebulous way. They were called ghost Force. The old man affirmed that his masters came out to him this way. For a long time, the young Ben hoped that his grandfather would visit him that way, but as the years passed it was only Darth Vador and Snooke voices that came to haunt him. How ironic.

 

« I forgot her, until you started to harass me about her. » He almost shouted.

 

It was true. He buried Sahila inside his mind, forgetting about her, the same way he did with the others padawan. Among his other victims. He just couldn’t afford himself the luxury of regret and sadness, Snooke made sure of it. And now that the undertaker who kept all those deads at bay was no more, they were wandering freely inside his head, their faces and voices haunting him, keeping him awake at night.

 

 _« If you really didn’t cared about her, you won’t be remembering her name._ » She answered back.

 

Kylo wanted to tell her that he also remembered the others padawans names. Each and everyone one of them. And their last words. And their faces as his lightsaber pierced through them or cut them. Everything was still intact.

 

« Remembering someone’s name doesn’t mean you care for them. Now, answer me. »

 

He raised his hands next to her cheeks as if he was about to hold her face, but still not touching her.

 

« Is Sahila alive ? »

 

Rey sustained his glare, not giving away anything.

 

« Why don’t you see for yourself ? »

 

Now, she played with him. He wasn’t in the mood for her little games. He grabbed her face, really grabbed it, making her jump, squeezing her cheeks. He was about to ask her to stop it when he felt it…

 

A strong presence, almost unbearable, hitting him like a wall of bricks right in the face. He almost felt dizzy. It was neither menacing nor benevolent yet it gave Kylo the jitters. He didn’t know how to fell : should he be scared?Angry ? Happy ? It been so long since he felt her and knowing that she was with Rey, watching and listening to them, being right behind him…

 

It didn’t last long.

 

The second after Sahila made her presence known, the Supreme Leader felt being violently pulled away from Rey, surprising him and making him fly away from her. He saw the young Jedi’s face transforming, fear appearing as she called his name.

 

_« Ben ! »_

 

His back and his head slammed against something hard, taking his breath away and making him cough. He felt pain, of course, but didn’t make a sound about it nor showed it. Years of training by the hand of Snooke made him pain resistant to a high level. He coughed and shook his head, trying to understand what just happened. His hands touched armchairs. So, he was back on his throne. He opened his eyes and that when he saw her…

 

Not a ghost but a true living being. Standing at the end of the stairs leading to his throne, her right arm raised and hand open in his direction, facing him. An ugly scar running through the left side if her face, her left eye half closed and clear, almost transparent. This. This was the mark that his lightsaber left on her, that he left. Aside from this, she looked the same as he last saw her 15 years ago.

 

« You... »

 

Sahila lowered her arm as Rey came behind her, looking at her and him, her eyes alternating between the both, not knowing what to do, recalcitrant to intervene. Finally, she talked with the same stupid grin on her face and playful tone she used to greet him back then.

 

_« Hello, Benny. »_

 

The scream that came out of his throat was more animal than human, a true roar full of rage and hate. He stand up, grasped the lightsaber at his hips and turned it on. This time, he won’t miss her !

 

« Ben, no ! Don’t ! »

 

Somewhere inside his twisted mind, he heard Rey calling him, but he couldn’t afford to be distracted. He said that he would end her and that what he’ll do no matter what, no matter who. And this idiot whom didn't moved, her shitty smile didn’t even left her lips. She just stands in front of the other woman and opened her arms wide open.

* * *

 

_He was waiting. Unlike the other students,Ben didn’t mind standing in the rain. He didn’t want to be with them anyway. They always make fun of his nose and his ears. Uncle Luke said that he shouldn’t be paying attention to them, but their words were still hurting him. When his uncle or Sahila are around, they keep quiet, but when they are not…_

 

_Suddenly, he heard the specific sound of a ship. Indeed, a Hauler came through the cloudy sky, tearing the clouds apart. He stand up and started running to where the ship was landing. Soon, the door opened and a teenage girl came out. He called her name._

 

_« Sahila ! »_

 

_She turned her head to his direction and a beautiful and glorious grin welcomed him._

 

_« Benny ! » She shouted back, pleased by this vision._

 

_She ran back to him, arms wide open, mimicking him. He met her halfway, jumping on her, her long and strong arms giving him a warm and affectionate hug that he gave back. She kneeled on the cold and muddy floor, making sure that he didn’t touched it.Hiding his face inside her shoulder, he heard her laugh._

 

_« Well, that quite the welcome. I guess that you missed me. »_

 

_He grumbled, nodding._

 

_« Ben ? Don’t tell me you were waiting for us outside ? With this weather ? »_

 

_The boy raised his head and saw his uncle coming near them, a hood on his head, trying to protect himself of the rain. As quickly as he jumped in Sahila’s arms, he jumped out and ran to the Jedi. He encircled his waist, rubbing his face against his stomach. Uncle Luke sighed, but hugged him back anyway and Ben could fell that he was happy to see him too._

 

_« We were only gone a week, kid. »_

 

_« It’s still a week too much. » He mumbled._

 

_« C’mon, Master. Don’t be like that. You missed him too or you won’t have brought him a present. »_

 

_Ben pulled his head back and looked at his uncle, eyes shining._

 

_« A present ? For me ? Really ?! » He asked, excited._

 

_Uncle Luke smiled at him._

 

_« It’s not exactly a present and it’s not for now. More something that you’ll get when you grown up. »_

 

_« Uncleeeeee ! » He whined._

 

_Sahila tousled his black nest of hair and wrapped her arm on his shoulder, leading him to the Hauler._

 

_« Come, Benny. Help me get our luggage of the ship, and I’ll tell you about our trip. »_

 

_« Fine. While you both do that, I’ll go check on the other students. » Spoke Uncle Luke before leaving to the temple._

 

_While he walked to the ship, Ben couldn’t help but doubt about the way he welcomed Sahila. Those of her age said that hugs and kisses were for babies, but she never backed up when the young Solo asked for some affection._

 

_« Sahila ? »_

 

_« Yes, Benny ? »_

 

_« You don’t mind that I give you hugs ? You don’t think it’s annoying ? » He asked, hesitant._

 

_She stopped walking and looked at Ben like he had a third eye._

 

_« Kriff, no ! Who gave you such an idea ? I like hugs. No, I love hugs. No, no, wait. I love your hugs, Ben. Don’t ever stop to hug me, ok ? » She kneeled to his eyes level and put her hands on his shoulder._

 

_« Even when we grew up ? »_

 

_« Especially when we will be grown up ! I’ll tell you, as long you open your arms for me, I’ll keep them open for you. »_

 

_He smiled, but frowned when he thought about the voices he keeps hearing at night._

 

_« And if one day I don’t want hug ? You’ll still want to give me ? »_

 

_She caressed his cheek, her green eyes full of love and affection._

 

_« Oh, my sweet boy. Even if it happens, I’ll never stop opening them. »_

* * *

 

« ENOUGH ! »

 

He jumped, like a true predator whom spotted his prey and go to the kill, but instead of claws and fangs, it was his red lightsaber that was ready to swipe. Holding his weapon in his both hands, he struck, aiming so that he cut Sahila in two parts vertically. He felt the impact, the strength of it reverberating to his spine, he saw the sparks and yet…

 

Nothing.

 

No one.

 

Once again, the Force tricked him.

 

This time, the scream tearing apart the throne room was one of frustration and pain.

 

* * *

 

When Rey gets back to Daggobah, she was ready to give Sahila the barney of her life, but her current state stopped her.

 

« Shit ! Sahila ! »

 

The elder woman was pale, sweating and out-of-breath, trying to lean on a tree while she visibly struggled to stand. It was obvious that it was only a question of time before she falls down and faints. The young Jedi ran to her and caught her just in time as her legs gave away. She didn’t weight much, but it wasn’t reasonable to try to make her stand, so Rey helped her sat and leaning against the tree.

 

Sahila had her eyes half closed and seemed struggling to stay conscious. It wasn’t good, Rey heard from the General Organa how Luke Skywalker died : projection asked a strong bond with the Force and a lot of energy. It was no surprise that Master Luke whom closed himself to the Force during 15 years succumbed to it. Despite herself, Rey couldn’t help but being afraid. She checked her pulse, but the other woman, weakly, caught her wrist.

 

« Don’t… Don’t worry. It’s not my time… Yet. The Force… not calling me... » She babbled deliriously, it wasn’t good. She needed to find something to help her.

 

_« Ah,I see that you finally tried to project yourself. »_

 

Rey turned around to see, once again, another Force ghost. How many of them are on this planet? Sahila smirked and laughed, at least, as much as her state could allow it.

 

« Yeah… Last time doing it... »

 

The Force ghost came closer to them, not paying Rey any attention, and kneeled right next to them. Dumbstruck, she saw him gently taking Sahila’s right hand between his both and looking at her softly. What the Kriff ! So, ghost Force can physically interact ?

 

 _« I warned you several times, this is a dangerous practice and you didn’t train much on it. »_ It was obvious that he really was worried about her.

 

«Couldn't help it... » Was Sahila last words before she fainted. As the young woman started to panic, the silhouette only sighed and gave her her hand back, putting it on her stomach. Not knowing what to do, she imitated him.

 

 _« You heart will lose you, child. »_ He whispered before turning back to Rey, finally paying her attention.

 

_« We didn’t meet, did we ? »_

 

Surprised, she stands up before answering him.

 

« My name is Rey. »

 

He smiled.

 

_« I heard about you, young padawan. »_

 

Strange. She could swear that she already heard his voice, but she couldn’t recall when and where.

 

_« My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi. I’ll tell you to call me Ben, like most people used to, but I think it will be awkward for the both of us »_

 

Yeah. Let’s stick to Master Obi-Wan for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! This is my first Star Wars fanfiction! Also english is not my first language so forgive me for the faults ^^ (No beta reading)


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